


I Can't Change

by imnotmadeofeyes



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: AU, Angst, Everyone Is Gay, Fluff, Homophobia, M/M, gay camp au, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-19
Updated: 2013-11-20
Packaged: 2018-01-02 02:24:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 33,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1051417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imnotmadeofeyes/pseuds/imnotmadeofeyes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry hasn’t planned on being gay. He denies being attached to boys all the time. He thought it isn’t right to be gay. Because he knows that his parents doesn’t like gay people. But on the other side, he can’t see what’s that wrong with that. What is wrong with searching for the one true love? But OK, he doesn’t want to argue with them. So he goes to that Gay-to-Straight-Camp they send him to. And he really wants to change, because then he’d be a little more normal and he just wants to see his family happy and proud of him.</p><p>But when Harry meets Louis, everything changes. Besides him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> See, this is one of the two works I have already finished on Tumblr. It was a promt from a lovely girl named Quinn and she's awesome. This developed throughout a year, and yessum, dear, I love it. This opportunity I'd like to thank all the people reading this, those waiting for me in my half-year-long writer's block and those supporting me, giving me new ideas, etc.. I'm mostly just rambling now, so what I'm saying is, have fun, enjoy, leave feedback.

Harry remembered nothing from the night that should change his life. He didn't remember kissing that guy. He didn't remember grabbing his ass. He didn't remember being grabbed by the crotch. He didn't even remember the guy's name.

But somebody made photos and put them on Facebook. All the drunken mistakes of Harry Styles were open to see for everyone. Harry Styles, the little nerd, the little awkward outsider, was snogging a stranger and he enjoyed it - it was feed for all those gossipers out there.

The day in school was like his personal hell: all the eyes were on him and wherever he went, the people were whispering. And it was more than just obvious that they were actually talking about him. He couldn't really concentrate on the lessons the whole day, no matter how bad he tried. He just wanted to crawl into a hole and hide there all day. He wasn't gay. It wasn't like that. It's just that he never had a girlfriend before, because no matter which girl he had much to do with, he just liked them for a friend, never for a lover. But he wasn't attracted to guys.

At least he was good in hiding it.

Or he had been.

But then he had made a mistake and someone had taken photos of them. And that everyone in school could see them wasn't the worst about that. It wasn't the worst that he didn't know that guy (he had to say that he'd be a good choice though). The worst part of that whole scenario was that his step-dad had found those photos.

While Harry had been too wasted to remember that night, he actually did remember every fucking detail of the moment when he found out that his step-dad had found out. He just came back from school. He was exhausted from too less sleep and a long school day and had to fight against a massive hangover. He had a headache from all the whispers and the gossiping around his person.

When he came home, he just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep for a while before waking up again and doing some homework. Maybe he wouldn't even wake up, but sleep until the next morning. That was probably the better choice.

But when Harry actually entered the house, his mother and Robin sat on the couch in the living room. Their house wasn't that big, and when you came in, you could perfectly see into the living room and the kitchen already. So the boy saw his parents sitting there and all he thought was something like 'Shit'. He felt the tense atmosphere. And even when he hadn't, he would've seen it in the gazes they were shooting at him.

"Sit down, Harold." Robin insisted. He just called him that name when Harry had done anything wrong.

His face went pale. He hadn't done anything wrong. Besides that he had, but Robin couldn't know, could he? Harry did what he was told and sat down in the armchair awkwardly, right in front of his mum and Robin.

"I've seen those words" Robin said after some seconds in which he simply stared at his stepson. The man had never liked long speeches and so these words were hitting the boy in front of him straight in the gut.

Harry flinched on his seat and gulped. He had the arms crossed in front of his chest, and now his nails dug into the bare skin of his biceps. "Y-Yeah?"

Robin's face slowly but surely reddened with anger and Anne just looked so fucking disappointed. He hated seeing his parents like this. He practically lived for making those two people proud of him. And now he had screwed up one more time.

"How do you dare it?" Anne asked lower voiced. "How do you dare risking the prestige of this family?"

Harry lowered his gaze, staring at the floor, at his feet. He would do anything to stop the gazes they were shooting at him right now. "I-I'm so s-sorry" he stuttered.

"Stop stuttering like a little faggot!" Robin barked.

Harry jumped in his seat and then settled in even deeper, trying to hide himself. "I'm sorry" he mumbled. He was kind of scared of his step-dad. The man had never hit him before, but he was scary enough even without hitting him.

"Listen, we don't need a homosexual in our family."

_But I'm not_ , Harry thought. At least he didn't want to be. He never ever looked at other boys in that way. Or he stopped himself from doing so all the time. He stayed silent, but his eyes fluttered upwards a little. He didn't look them in the eyes though, but he looked at their hands.

"Your father and I talked about that." His mother said now. "You'll go to a certain camp. Its image is absolutely great and when you come back, you'll be as straight as possible."

Harry didn't say anything. He had heard of those kinds of camps. Hey put some gay men together in a place with therapists, Christians and stuff like that and they'll spend some time there praying and talking. He wondered if that actually worked; how does it help gay men when they spend their time with other gay men? That was kind of contradictory.

But he would do anything to make them happy. And if he could please them by doing so, he would go there, for god's sake.

"It starts already on Monday." Robin told him. "You'll be there for two weeks. And you are excused for school already."

Harry nodded lightly, his curls bumping into his face while his green eyes were glued on the floor once again. He already knew he'd hate it there. He didn't like going somewhere where he didn't know anybody - he wasn't too good with making friends. And then he would be homesick as hell. And he would miss loads of homework.

But when he would go there, he would probably lose his attachment to guys and he could be a little more normal, a little more like his parents wanted him to be. And that was what he was working for so long, literally his whole life: he wanted to fit in, wanted to please his family.

And when making them proud meant going to this goddamn camp, he would do that.


	2. Chapter 2

Harry got out of his mum's car and found himself standing in front of the place he would stay during the next two weeks. Around this camp was simply nothing. The world "rural" didn't fit in the slightest because it meant that there was at least a little civilization. But here was simply nothing. In the last half hour they had followed the same road. And there hadn't been a single house or at least another road they had crossed.

"Help me with your things, Harry" Anna said.

The curly haired boy snapped out of his thoughts and took that one suitcase he was allowed to take with him. Then the two of them went to that one house which the road had led to.

In front of it, Anne stopped. "I'm leaving you now"

Harry stopped and smiled at her fondly. "Then bye I guess" he said.

"Have a good time" she hugged her son shortly and somewhat awkwardly.

Harry pressed a kind kiss on her cheek, like he was used to. Then Anne turned around again and went back to her car. The boy stood there, waiting for her to look back and wave at him. He watched her getting into the car, waiting for one last glance back at him.

She did none of that.

Harry told himself that he wasn't disappointed. And he wasn't, was he? The eighteen-year-old sighed and entered the house. It wasn't that big, it wasn't that beautiful, but it was everything he had seen of this camp so far. He directly looked at a reception. A young woman with a nice smile and nice blond hairs sat behind it.

"What can I do for you?" she asked friendly.

"I-I'm Harry S-Styles and …"

"You came here to get back to the right path." She interrupted his stuttering kindly. "Welcome love" She typed something in her computer. "Harry Styles, yeah? OK, here we go. I have to check your things, alright? No alcohol, no drugs, no cigarettes, you know that."

Harry simply nodded, not saying anything. He wasn't a good speaker, and even less towards strangers. He grabbed his suitcase and put it on the counter.

The woman opened it and took all the things out. Harry felt like he was wrapped inside-out. He didn't like it when people knew too much about him. He had always been the smart, but silent one. Maybe he was even a little bit socially awkward.

When she unfolded some of his boxers, he blushed instantly.

"They always do that, so there's no need to be ashamed."

Harry jumped by the sound of the voice, looked up and stared straight into the most gorgeous blue eyes he had ever seen in his life. The boy beside him was one or two years older than Harry, but he was some inches smaller nonetheless. His body was fit, his features just describable as pretty and also slightly feminine. His face was framed by feathered brown hairs and his smiled seemed to lighten up the whole room

"Ehm" Harry made. He had no clue what he should say. But that wasn't because he was startled by the boy's perfection, of course not. At least he hoped that it wasn't that.

The stranger giggled - the most adorable sound Harry thought he had ever heard. "Not a man of great words, are you? It's OK, mate. I'm Louis. Lou-eh, not Lewis."

Harry tried to smile. And in his opinion, he didn't fail too worse. "I'm Harry"

Louis nodded and grinned. And oh god, was he beautiful with his shining eyes and the perfect white teeth. But no, Harry wasn't admiring him. He wasn't awestruck. "Nice to meet you, man" Louis said. Then he looked at the woman who just finished re-packing Harry's luggage. "Good morning, Miss Grisham! It's been a long time since we last met. You look good these days!"

The woman, Miss Grisham, blushed slightly. "You even got more charming, Louis. How are you doing that?" she asked him and shook her head chuckling.

Louis laughed. "I'm just myself, you know that. So, which house is mine?"

The woman looked at him amused. "Don't you think I want to control your suitcase first, Mr Tomlinson?"

Louis laughed. "Why? You know I'm clean" He sounded self-conscious, as if he knew what he was doing. It seemed as if the boy already had been here. Had he?

Miss Grisham shook her head. "Yeah, OK. You are in dorm 1. And you, Mr Styles, will stay there, too" She smiled at Harry now.

Harry lifted his eyebrows in surprise. He just should stay with Louis absolutely-gorgeous Tomlinson? Well, wit that matter of a fact it was going to be a very hard way out of his gayness.

"That's great news!" Louis smiled brightly. "Come on, I'll show you where we live now."

Harry nodded, grabbed his stuff and followed the other boy. When they went down the hallway, he saw Louis' bum for the first time. It was just as perfect as the rest of his body; maybe even more. He swallowed hard and his fingers ran through the messy mop of dark brown curls on top of his head.

"You coming?" Louis asked and glanced back at him. His voice was a little higher than the usual man voices, but it was beautiful. It suited him well and Harry liked listening to it from the first moment on.

Harry hurried and closed the distance between them until they were going side by side. He wasn't sure what to say or to do. He wasn't good with people, wasn't good with communication. But these cerulean eyes didn't make it worse in the slightest.

"So, Harry, right? It's nice too meet you" Louis said. "Well, I already mentioned that before, didn't I? But OK. So, you are here for two weeks, too? That's actually a stupid question; everybody's staying for two weeks. And now I'm babbling, sorry."

"No problem" Harry tried another smile. They left the house now and the curly-haired saw a big, green campus with eight smaller and two bigger houses. The smaller ones looked quite a lot like yard houses or something, pretty small and stuff. And the two other ones weren't that big, too. But it was nice.

Louis smiled. "I'm always talking too much. I must be pretty annoying. But I just can't stop when I first started, you know?"

"OK … I'm fine with it I guess." And Harry was silent again. He simply followed Louis to one of those little hoses. The other one knew where to go and Harry didn't. So it wasn't that surprisingly. And of course he was going behind Louis because the path wasn't big enough for the two to go side by side, not because he wanted to admire the perfect body and that bum.

"I don't bite, you know" Louis told him cheekily. "You are allowed to speak."

Harry smirked. "Like you said - I'm not a man of big words."

Louis laughed. He threw his head back and crinkled his nose absolutely adorable whilst doing that. "Yeah, I get it. I don't really know why though? Don't you like talking?"

Harry shook his head. He did like talking. He just didn't like its consequences. With talking he laid things of himself open. But he didn't want the people get to know him.

"Why not?" Louis wanted to know.

"I don't like showing things of myself" Harry admitted. And he offered the stranger another part of himself. When he mentioned that, his eyes widened and he looked down.

Louis somehow managed it to go on Harry's side again. Now he patted Harry's shoulder blade lightly. "OK then. I like talking about myself more, so that won't be a big problem. We can talk about me until you trust me enough to tell me about you!"

Harry wondered why Louis was so sure that he was actually getting to trust him and that he would have the time to speak with him. They had just reached house 1. Harry nodded lightly though. He didn't know why. He didn't want to find new friends - especially not here and not boys who were that charming and good-looking as Louis.

Harry knocked on the door lightly before opening it. He looked in the house they would stay in from now - it was basically just a room with three double bunks, three much or less small wardrobes and a table with four chairs and a little bank around it. There was another door that would lead to the bathroom and two windows which let in the sunlight and even some fresh air.

To Harry's surprise he was greeted with four curious pairs of eyes.

First, there was a ginger-head. He was smaller than Harry and maybe even Louis, his hair a ruffled mess of red and his eyes were sparkling blue. His body wasn't lanky and long, but he wasn't fat, too. Just - the perfect middle or something. But you saw that these broad shoulders weren't from muscles. He looked interesting, but not attractive in the usual way.

Then there sat a blond guy on the higher bunk of the alone-standing loft bed. He looked like he wasn't bigger than Harry, but he couldn't clearly see him behind the guitar on his lap. He seemed fitter than the redhead though. His eyes were blue, too, but in a totally different way than Louis' and the stranger's. He already grinned at them, and his wide braced grin was absolutely adorable.

On the other side of the room on the two higher beds sat the two other guys. The one was tan-skinned with a messy black quiff and a single blond highlight right over his forehead. His eyes were chestnut brown and everything on him was of a dark, urban beauty, even his face.

The other boy was around the black-haired's age (Harry felt like he was the youngest from the first moment. Well, maybe the blond was younger than him. But just maybe) with delicate pale skin and a short quiff of brown hairs, perfectly styled. His chocolate coloured eyes were glued on the guy beside him. His face was good-looking, his body sporty. And on his neck was a single birthmark near his Adams apple.

All the boys Harry should stay with the next weeks looked more or less amazing. So how the hell should he turn straight again? That would be maybe the hardest challenge he had ever done before.

"Hey there!" Louis followed Harry inside. "I'm Louis, Louis Tomlinson. It's nice to meet you all! And this here is Harry, he's just a little bit of the shy type." He grinned that grin that Harry already called signature.

Harry just smiled lightly. Or at least he tried. "Hi there" he mumbled.

The blond jumped down the bed - everything trembled from that move. "Hi you two! I'm Niall, Niall Horan. It's such a pleasure to meet you!" he said and somewhat echoed Louis' words. His voice was surprisingly deep and filled with a thick Irish accent.

"Yeah mate, steal my words." Louis chuckled.

Niall laughed. It sounded nice. "In the end I'm just a parrot"

The red-head patted his shoulder. "You are. I'm Edward, by the way. But call me Ed." He introduced himself. His voice sounded pretty much nice, but Harry couldn't tell where he came from. Maybe London?

Harry placed his suitcase on the lower bunk of the bed the raven-haired sat on.

"I'm Zayn" the boy sat right now. "And this cute guy here is Liam." This voice was a deep slur of Bradford slang.

"Don't call me cute, Malik!" Liam gave back. He was speaking much clearer than Zayn but faster, too. All the boys had interesting and pretty signature voices right now. Harry liked listening to different voices and he was sure that these were that unique that he could say who spoke just by hearing the voices fast.

"I call you whatever I want to call you, Payne." Zayn answered. Harry couldn't see them, but the way they spoke to each other told him that they were already pretty close. They sounded as if they had been friends for a long term now.

"Pain?" Louis interrupted their growing argument. He had thrown his suitcase on the bed beside Harry's. The two beds of them stood side by side, or head to head, only Ed's and Niall's bed was separated from them.

"Not pain - it's Payne, actually. P-A-Y-N-E" Liam told Louis.

"Interesting name. Liam Payne the pain" Louis chuckled. And he sounded surprisingly adorable.

Liam groaned. Harry was sure he was rolling his eyes right now. He didn't know why, he just assumed that. "That isn't funny."

"It is, actually!" Ed gave back and barked a laugh. "That's so fucking great!"

Harry could just agree. He smiled to himself, unpacking his luggage already. While doing that he watched Niall, Louis and Ed laughing. He was sure that their time together wouldn't be that bad. Besides that he hated being with people and stuff.


	3. Chapter 3

Harry listened to the chatter of his dorm mates while he unpacked his things and prepared his bed. They seemed to be nice. Well, Louis and Niall were the loud ones, Liam and Ed the kind guys and Zayn seemed to a bit of a rough path.

One hour after Harry had arrived Liam announced that they had to go now:

"Our first group therapy lesson"

That didn't please the curly haired, if he was honest. Therapy meant once more showing things of himself. And he just hated it so fucking much. But therapy also meant trying to get better. And he really wanted to change. Being straight would make it so much easier. He wouldn't be the silly little faggot anymore. He could have a nice and beautiful girlfriend and later a wife, even a later family. He could have all the things he just wanted so bad.

Harry stood up and left the dorm as first. He didn't want to talk with these guys. Not more than necessary because - well, you know why. But he hadn't the chance to crawl into his shell.

"Oi, Harry, wait up!" Ed called out to him.

Harry turned and looked at the redhead. "Hi there" he said lowly. He would never show that he was already kind of annoyed just by him being there. He was too well educated for that kind of behaviour. His parents had told him otherwise.

Ed smirked at him. "Yeah, hi. You're quite silent, aren't you?"

 _Well guessed, Sherlock. I've never thought that I was actually silent!_ Harry thought to himself, but he didn't say anything like that. He just shrugged his lanky shoulders. "I'm used to it."

"Why?" Ed asked, and his greyish bluish green eyes glistened with concern.

Couldn't he see that Harry just wanted to be alone? Yes, he was the silent one. Yes, he was not being himself. But why should he mind? "It's just." He mumbled.

Ed smiled at the younger lad kindly. "There's no need to be, we don't bite at all. Well, I guess Zayn could, but he's one of the good kids, too." He said. While that, he ruffled his red hairs even more. They were a pure mess, but still not as half as messy as Harry's were.

Harry now shoved his hands into his pockets, lifting his shoulders awkwardly.

"Come on mate. We're living together for the next two weeks. So we should probably become friends or something like that, shouldn't we?" Ed suggested.

And fuck that, he was right. Harry sighed in defence and kept staring at the floor. Then he shrugged again, once more, before muttering under his breathe. "Probably"

The two of them reached the house they were heading to now. That was when Ed stopped. "Do you have any clue where we're going to?" he asked.

"Nope" Harry shook his head, his curls bounced into his eyes. He really had no clue. He simply went forwards, following wherever Ed was going. That was just the way it was. At home, he had often gone for a walk and then he had been getting caught up in his head. And when he had recognized that he was walking and walking more and more he had no clue where he was and how to get home again. This had actually been happening more often in the last time. But it wasn't because at home the silence was deafening. No, it was not in the slightest a reason for the walks he had taken often and the business of his head.

Ed turned and stared at the other four lads who were coming after them - much slower because they were messing around together. "Hey, Louis, where do we have to go?" Ed shouted over to them.

Louis grinned and jogged from Niall, Zayn and Liam to Harry and Ed. "Well, just ask the Tommo, he knows where to go!" he giggled and then pulled open the door.

"The Tommo?" Harry heard Ed asking. "Who's that?" Playing. Teasing. It sounded as if the lads have known each other already. It sounded as if they were friends.

And for the first time he really wondered what would be if he would be less shy and awkward like he was. Would he have loads of friends? Would he be comfortable around people? He had no clue, he really hadn't.

"That's me you twat" Louis laughed and pulled the door open. "Just follow me, yeah?" He looked back to Ed and Harry and for some seconds, their eyes met. As in, Louis stared at Harry, openly and intensely. And Harry kind of froze to the spot because his heartbeat sped up. He knew that wasn't right. He shouldn't feel that way.

But in the next second, the deep blue of the older lad's eyes was away and he could breathe normal again. He followed Louis and Ed who were now chatting away in loose banter. He simply followed them all on his own. He didn't even listen to their words. Nor did he listen to whatever Zayn and Niall were laughing about while Liam cooed in response. He just made his way. All alone.

They instantly reached a room which looked pretty much like a waiting room you saw in all these psychologist series on TV. Maybe it had even some similarity to Scrubs? He wasn't sure, but he didn't mind in the same breathe. He just looked around casually to find a woman sitting behind another counter. She was older, around his mum's age probably. She looked nice too, with long brown hairs, tied to a single ponytail, and nice grey eyes. She smiled at the boys.

"Hello there! I guess you are House 1 then?" her eyes travelled from one lad to the other. Her smile faded slightly for a little moment when she met Louis' gaze. "Oh, Louis, you're back here. Surprise, surprise. Well, come in boys, it's more comfortable in my room" She opened a door Harry hadn't recognized yet. "Make yourself at home, please. Water and glasses are on the table, some cookies too. Get yourself whatever you like to."

Harry seated himself in the only armchair of the room - he knew he was separating from the rest of the group, but he didn't mind. Liam, Zayn and Louis sat on one of the loveseats, Liam placed in the middle, the other two half sitting on the arm rest. And Ed and Niall made themselves comfortable on the other loveseat. OK, and the blond was grabbing the cookies instantly. Harry smirked by himself when he mentioned that the Irish lad began to eat as soon as he had the chance to.

"Well, hi there again. My name is Doctor Wayne, Julia Wayne. I'm your therapist for the next two weeks, even though I'd prefer the expression 'person you talk to whenever you need it'. Alright? Well, you guys are here to solve a certain problem. You are here to face your fears. And you can only do that if you actually work together. We want you to become friends, because we know how important friends are for this development. Do you get me? Alright, first we'll talk about yourself a while. I mean, you need to know each other. You'll see the worst of you, and that's why you should get to know the others. Yeah, Louis, why don't you start and show your mates how you do that?"

She smiled at him, but it was fake. Harry wondered why she didn't like the boy. He was … no, he wasn't perfect. But he was nice and likeable.

Louis answered Dr Wayne's fake smile with an almost too sassy smirk. "Of course, Doctor. The name is Louis Tomlinson, but you already know that. I'm twenty, born on Christmas Eve - really, the 24th of December is my birthday. I'm from Doncaster. My parents just got divorced; I'm living with my mother to help her with my four little sisters. They're great and totally understand me - besides the whole being-gay-thing. I plan on being a drama teacher, so I study English and Theatre right now. I am here the fourth time by the way, but they just can't get me off the cock. I've been in three serious relationships with guys, but I snogged and fucked loads more."

"Louis, you know it's not right to use words like these." Dr Wayne said.

Louis grinned, "You know that that's just how I am and I won't change anything about that."

Even in his total cocky sassiness he looked kind of perfect to Harry. He watched the older lad with some strange sort of curiosity - why was he even thinking that? Also, he listened eagerly. It wasn't surprising that Louis was like this. But a small part of the curly haired was still jealous about that. He wished he was more like him - more self-conscious, surer of what he was doing. But he wasn't.

Dr Wayne sucked in a deep breathe and stroke a bit of her hairs back. "Alright, why don't you go on?" she smiled at Liam, politely, but every boy could see that she and Louis weren't done yet.

Liam licked his lips in a short movement and scratched the back of his neck before he started. "There's really nothing much to say. I'm Liam Payne, nineteen years old recently - born on August 29. I live in Wolverhampton, we just moved there. It's just my parents and me because my two older sisters are out of the house already. I am doing some work as a football coach right now but I plan on starting job training as a fireman soon. … I just had one relationship with a boy. It's all about him. But they didn't understand, so I was sent here. … But I'll try, really."

Harry mentioned that Liam hesitated often and his eyes darkened even more. He didn't need to know the guy, he could say that he really had felt love towards whoever that guy was and he was broken by the fact that it couldn't be.

His eyes trailed off of Liam just to find Zayn staring at him. The raven-haired had mentioned Harry's staring and shot him a death glare now. Harry lowered his eyes on the floor, blushing fiercely. He hadn't had the intention on staring, it was just … Liam seemed so sad. But he was sure that the fact that Zayn was supportively stroking Liam's back was just another imagination he was having.

Dr Wayne was scrabbling something on her notebook. "Just go on please. By the way, I am writing some notes down so that I can remember everything. Nobody will see it except me when I'm working with you. I hope that's OK." She said.

Zayn cleared his throat and his shoulder bumped against Liam's for another time. "Yeah, well. I'm Zayn Malik, nineteen. I'm born on the 12th of January which isn't a spectacular date at all. I'm born in Bradford and have never lived in another place - I even plan on staying there after I have just graduated. Now I'm working as a bartender, by the way, until a university accepts me. I have three younger sisters, my parents just sent me here, and they don't understand that love isn't about your gender. They weren't OK with the fact that my oldest and best friend and I were in love. I am not really gay at all, bisexual would be the better word. I don't really care, to be honest - what's the difference between love to a girl or to a guy?"

Harry had to smirk at that. He just had to. That was a good question. A question he had asked himself in his strong moments, too. But he knew that there was one important difference: the love between guys was wrong. It didn't give you the safety that you need to build your own life. You'd get hate your whole life through and that were only a few things that made it wrong.

Dr Wayne almost glared at Zayn. "There are some, actually. But today we won't talk about that. We're here to have you guys talking about yourself. That's not that difficult, isn't it? Go on, please." And she looked at Ed.

"Well, my name is Edward Sheeran but please simply call me Ed, I hate being called my whole name. I'm born on the 17th of February and apparently I'm the oldest - I'm already twenty-one. I'm studying music in London, I moved there a few years ago. I'm living on my own now, but I am close to my parents. I'm here on my own, because … well, it's not easy to be gay in the music business. But I want to be a big number. So here I go, you know?" He smiled. Harry thought that this guy could be a friend of himself so easily. He was a lot like himself as it seemed.

"That's interesting - you are that little guy from the radio, right? You're doing some night shifts?" Dr Wayne asked.

Ed nodded and his cheeks flushed slightly. "That's right, yeah."

Dr Wayne smiled brightly. "I like your taste in music. Well, but the next one now, please."

Harry was a little bit taken aback - Ed was a guy on the radio? Well, that was interesting - he had never met someone who worked on a radio station. He always imagined that this would be a cool life. But he didn't want to dream too much, because in the end he'd study law like Robin wanted him to.

"OK, after you guys told everything, I feel a little boring. I'm Niall Horan and I'm also nineteen - my birthday is the 13th of September. I live in Mullingar which is in Ireland; yep, I'm absolutely Irish and I love it. I will start studying music soon - I want to be a songwriter so bad! But right now I'm just helping in my dad's shop. My parents divorced some years ago, and my older brother went with my mum. But I didn't want to leave Ireland. I'm here because my dad asked me to. He wanted me to be prepared for life and in his opinion you can't be prepared when you are so obviously wrong about your sexuality." He scoffed at the end of the sentence and showed that he didn't agree with his dad.

Harry furrowed his brows, only slightly. All these boys seemed to be comfortable with being gay - well, besides Ed who was here on his own intention. Harry didn't understand them; it wasn't right, why didn't they see it? Why did they think that it was good to be in love with guys? He couldn't get that. He didn't want to get that.

"So, and now the last one - Harry, right? Start, please" Dr Wayne smiled at him kindly.

Harry already blushed and he hadn't even said a single word. He didn't like the sound of his voice, he didn't like what he had to tell. That were loads of information he wasn't willing to give. But it was for his sake, so he had do jump over his shadow.

"So, yeah, uhm, I'm Harry Styles. I'm eighteen - the youngest? I'm born on the 1st February, and I live in Holmes Chapel … you won't know it, it's pretty small. I have an older sister, but she doesn't live with my mum and my stepdad anymore. I'm on school right now, one year left. I'm not really gay, it's just … I'm not straight, too. They caught me with a guy on a party only a few days and my stepdad sent me here …" he mumbled. His voice was lower than the others, he was playing with his hands and his face was red like a tomato. His gaze was on the floor and he had no intention in looking up while he was talking.

"OK, that's good. You see, there's no need to be afraid, nobody will judge you" Dr Wayne said. "You are here to get better together. You are strong in a group. I want you to never forget that. You are here to get better. We will help you a lot, but it's important that you take care of each other, too. We don't say that it will be easy. But it's a challenge you can win if you're just willing to." Her voice sounded as if she actually believed what she said. "Now, tell me what your hobbies are. What you like to do. I want to get to know you better."

But Harry wasn't listening. In this moment, he had looked up again only to find these certain cerulean eyes across the room. Louis was staring at him intensely and a light smirk played around the perfect lips. Harry froze and couldn't help but stare back - why was this guy so gorgeous? Louis smiled brighter now when he understood that Harry couldn't look away. And he winked at him. He fucking winked.

That was when Harry felt the butterflies first. He simply looked at this guy with the feathery fringe and the beautiful face and the wonderful eyes and felt them rising in his stomach. It was strange because he had never really felt that way. He had always wondered what it would feel like and now he sat there in his therapist's office, willing to get better, and couldn't help but smile back at this guy he barely knew two hours.

Fuck. Harry was already about to screw this up, and it hadn't even started. He ran his fingers through his messy curls and finally looked away. Dr Wayne was right - it would be a challenge. But unlike her he wasn't quite sure if he could win this fucking game.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 3

 

"That was fun, wasn't it?" Niall asked when the group of boys left the house where the therapist's offices were in. He practically jumped up and down with excitement and a beaming smile was on his face.

Harry wondered how this guy was able to be cheery like that after what just had happened. Their therapist, Dr Wayne, had asked them so many questions. He was sure that nobody knew so much about him, not even Nick who was practically his closest friend at home. Well, the young man - he was some years older than Harry himself - was his only friend, they had met at the place Harry had been working some months ago. Now these guys knew that he liked drawing, but he wasn't good with it, and that he wished he could be a journalist, but never believed he could bring it. They knew everything because whatever Dr Wayne had asked, he had answered.

But he also didn't know if it really was that bad. The lads were alright, every single one of them seemed nice, even Zayn. He maybe was a little bad boy, but he also seemed to care. Or he was just good in hiding his annoyance. Another fact that kept Harry down was the fact that that was a development you could only call positive. He wanted to be more outgoing, more self-conscious. So he had to finally move on and come out of his shell. This was a beginning.

Liam shrugged. "It was more like these things in primary school when everybody says what's his favourite food or animal or what the fuck else." He answered.

Zayn chuckled. "Since when are you swearing that much, Liam?" he teased.

Liam glared at him. "Since I am no longer the innocent little boy" he replied, a little harshly.

The raven-haired cocked an eyebrow. "You're not? Well, that's surprising, I thought you were. You didn't look any else."

Both boys looked at each other for some seconds. Nobody seemed to mention the little exchange between the two of them. Harry was just going some steps behind Louis and Niall who were fooling around and Ed was already off because he needed to pee and so he had been running to the dorm in the moment they were released. Nobody saw the heat welling up between the two of them when their dark eyes melted into the others'.

Then, finally, Liam looked away. "You're the death of me."

Zayn laughed. "And you're mine" he said, nudging him with his shoulder until he smiled.

Meanwhile, Niall was getting annoyed. "I am hungry!"

Louis laughed, "Stay calm, mate - we'll have dinner in about an hour."

"Yeah, a whole hour! That's too long. I'm sure I will die until that!" the blond complained.

Harry chuckled to himself when he heard that, and Louis didn't even take the afford to hide his wide grin. "I'm sure I have some sweets left since we just arrived some hours ago. You won't starve to death, promise." And he threw an arm around the younger's shoulders.

Niall cheered. "You know what? I already miss Nandos. I love this place, really. Back at home I was there every day with my mates. It's strange, isn't it? I'm barely a day away from home and I already miss it." He said, but he didn't sound sad at all.

Louis shrugged and squeezed his shoulder friendly. "I think I already miss the parties - tonight is a great party at a friend's house and her parties are always great. And now I'm sitting here. But I guess that our time together will be great, too. We'll find a way to entertain ourselves, won't we, Harry?"

The curly haired jumped when Louis announced him. His green eyes widened in surprise. He hadn't even listened, just admiring the way Louis' hair glistened in the evening sun … no, he wasn't admiring. He was looking at, not admiring. He would never ever admire a boy again, alright?

"What, please? I didn't listen." He said, trying to be nice. He even went a little faster to get on Niall's other side.

"We were wondering whether we would have fun or not." Niall said.

Harry shrugged. "I guess we will. Here's a bunch of nice guys in our age, so why not?" Where came the words that were leaving his lips right now? He didn't talk like that. He didn't usually do banter like that. He wasn't talking like that.

Louis nodded. "Well spoken, mate! What do you think about playing football? They have a good field here, we could search for some other boys and play a little match this evening." He suggested.

Niall nodded excitedly. "Sounds great! But isn't anything planned this evening?"

"You don't have to join, so we could simply do our own thing." Louis answered. His arm had long left Niall's shoulders again. Now he was fixing his hair.

"I'll ask the others!" Niall cheered again. Harry looked after him with a smirk on his face. Niall was just a bunch of positive energy. He was sure he could literally love that guy - not in a romantically way, but in a way you love brothers or best friends. He was just so adorable with his cheery voice and his bright grin.

"He's nice, isn't he?" Louis said now.

Harry nodded, his hands now plugging into his pockets again. He was very well aware of his lanky body now that Louis was looking at him and they were alone. He couldn't help it. He simply wanted to … well, what did he want? He wasn't sure. But Louis was one of these guys he wanted to please with being different than he was.

"Are you good in playing football?" Louis asked.

Harry really appreciated the boy's try to do some small talk since he didn't like the awkward silence between them. "I don't know. I don't play it that much, but I was in a team some years ago when I was around ten or something." He said. And he wasn't forced to give this information away. The speech of Dr Wayne had changed him a little. He really tried being more open and trusting the boys in his house a little more.

Louis smiled at him. "Sounds good. I was in the school team until my graduation. We were always the best, it was great. But now I stopped it, I just don't have the time anymore."

"Why? I mean, is university that hard?" The two of them reached the house now. But for some strange, un-harry-like reason, the eighteen-year-old didn't want this conversation to end. He wanted to learn more about the fascinating older boy.

Louis shrugged. "Not in the first place. But my family keeps me busy. I'm the only man in the household and I'm the oldest, so I need to help my mum a lot." He said, looking down for a second. Then they entered the house and were greeted by Niall - what a surprise.

"Loueeeh you said you had something to eat. Give it to meee, I'm starviiiiing" he said loudly. He practically jumped on Louis as soon as he entered the house.

"Alright, alright" Louis laughed. "Get off me, Niall, and then I'll look where my chips are."

Harry, meanwhile, plopped down on his bed, watching the scene of Louis and Niall. The blond was bouncing around the older one while he searched through his luggage.

"Well, here you go" Louis finally said and handed Niall a bag of chips.

The blue eyes of the younger lad widened in sheer happiness. "Oh my god, thanks, Tommo, you're my hero! You saved me, thanks, thanks, thanks!" And he ripped it open and started chewing.

A bunch of laughter was heard from the upper bunk. "Holy crap, Niall, you're ridiculous!" Liam meant through a fit of laughter. Harry didn't see, but he was leaning his face onto Zayn's shoulder to hold back more giggles. Zayn looked down at him, and his laughter faded slowly. None of the guys mentioned.

"I know" Niall brought out between two mouthful of chips. "But that's just me"

Ed came out the bathroom now and witnessed how Niall happily sat right in the middle of the room on the floor, eating these chips like his dear life depended on them. He chuckled slightly before sitting on the table. "You know, there are chairs in this room."

Niall shrugged. "The floor is comfortable, too"

Louis joined him, leaning against Harry's bunk. "Well, you're right. It's nice down here. But you can se all the dirt under the beds."

That made the guys laughing again. Even Harry - he sat on his bed, leaning against the wall, and laughed. It wasn't as loud as Ed's or as carefree as Louis', but it was a laugh.

"So, I heard there's a match this evening?" Zayn asked some seconds later when the laughter came to an end.

Louis nodded. "I'm planning hardly. Are you two joining?" he asked.

"Of course!" Liam answered without hesitation. "Come on, Z, it'll be fun!"

Zayn didn't seem so excited. "I'm not good in that kind of sports."

"In which are you then?" Ed asked.

"Bed sports" Zayn joked.

Laughing with these guys was so easy now, Harry mentioned when he wiped some tears away that had built in his eyes while he was laughing. Back at home, it had always been so serious. It had been about grades and school, about education and society. Here he was together with five lads in his age and it was obvious that they weren't like the friends he had. They weren't so snobby and posh like the boys on the school he was visiting.

And he liked it.

"No, seriously" Harry meant now, and he was surprised by the sound of his own voice. "Come and join us, it will be loads of fun, even when you just stand there and watch it, I'm sure." He suggested.

Louis eyes grazed over him for a second, he seemed to be a little bit surprised. "Getting cheeky down here, eh?" he teased Harry.

But the curly haired didn't mind. He did blush, of course he did. But he also grinned and let his dimples show. "It's all your bad influence!"

Louis laughed. "Of course it is, blame it all on me!" he gave back playfully.

Liam's head appeared from above the bed, he smiled. "So you're already melting?"

Harry blushed. OK, that was maybe a bit much attention. All the boys - besides Zayn who didn't bother looking down like Liam did - were looking at him now. He lifted his shoulders slightly and froze a little, but then he swallowed the lump in his throat and smiled again. "Slowly but surely."

Ed stood up again, trying to steal some of Niall's chips. "You don't mind, do you?"

But the blond was hiding the chips from him with a loud, "Stay away from my foooood!" It just looked absolutely ridiculous how he was pulling the bag on his chest and staring at Ed with his huge blue eyes as if he was a little boy and Ed was a big unknown man who wanted to steal him his favourite toy.

Ed laughed. "Calm down mate, I just want some chips. Don't you want to share?"

Niall glared at him and held on his chips for dear life. "Everything. But not my food!" he replied. Yep, he absolutely sounded like a little boy.

Louis cooed. "Nialler, be nice and share these chips. Ed isn't taking many so that you'll have enough left, alright?" he said in a sweet voice.

Harry watched the whole scene and tried his best not to giggle again. The way Niall was behaving around food was absolutely adorable. Now he hesitantly stretched out his hand and offered the ginger head the chips.

Zayn didn't even try. He just barked his deep laughter through the room.

"Zayn!" Liam exclaimed.

"It's just great!" Zayn replied, "Let me!"

"You're not being nice!" Liam warned him.

Zayn poked Liam's side so that the slightly younger boy jumped. "I don't care!"

Liam giggled. "I know. But you really should!"

Ed grinned and ruffled Niall's hair when he got about five chips out there. "Thank you man" he said before sitting down on his bed. Niall sighed relieved and started chewing again. Louis just shook his head and smiled fondly.

Maybe, only maybe, it wouldn't be as bad as he suggested, Harry thought to himself. They were nice to listen to, they were nice to be around. He saw himself having fun with these guys he barely knew. It was good, he liked them. To his surprise - he hadn't confessed that he liked someone often. He wasn't a guy for society, he was the opposite: nobody could find a guy that was as socially awkward as Harry Styles.

But nonetheless, here he was, fooling around with the boys that were in this camp with him. And maybe, he wondered, his parents would finally have the son they could be proud of when he came back from this camp.


	5. Chapter 5

Harry had never been a guy for doing sports. He'd rather play some music or maybe draw something. But in his eyes, he wasn't even talented. He wasn't talented in anything but being socially awkward.  
And nonetheless he was going with the boys now, on Liam's and Zayn's side but not really talking to them. Louis, Niall and Ed were leading them, Niall already with a ball glued to his feet.  
"Do you even play football down in Ireland?" Ed asked Niall mockingly.  
Niall pouted and shot the gingerhead a glare. "Of course we do!" he exclaimed.  
Louis giggled. "The British are lots better, for sure!"  
"For sure not!" Niall gave back.  
"Well, we'll see, mate" Ed sneaked the ball from the blond. "Who plays with whom, by the way?" he asked then.  
"I play with the curly down here!" Louis said and pointed at Harry straightaway.  
Wait, what? "Why?" Harry asked.  
"'cuz I like to play with my buds. Ed, mind playing with us?" Louis continued.  
He had just called Harry his bud. A smirk sneaked on Harry's lips. Nobody had ever called him his bud. Well, besides Olly down at home, his best mate. But he was the only one because he had no friends beside the brilliant singer he had known from his childhood on. And now the guy who was practically a stranger to him called him that. And it felt good.  
Ed grinned and nodded. "OK. Then it's Lou, Harry and me versus Nialler, Liam and Zayn, right?" he summed up.  
Zayn looked up and cocked an eyebrow. "We play the good against the bad?" he asked.  
Louis, Ed and Liam agreed chuckling while Harry shook his head and blushed furiously, mumbling "I'm not good!" and Niall complained with a loud whine of "But I am good at football!"  
It was a good atmosphere around the boys. Even Harry was comfortable around them. Maybe because he didn't need to fear that they would judge him because of his sexuality, or maybe because he knew that they did like him actually, even though he was such a child and so clumsy and shy and awkward.  
Whatever it was, it was good.  
Now they reached the pitch. It wasn't half as big as a proper football field, but it was enough. They were only six guys, so the field was even a little huge for them.  
"Goalie is the last man, alright?" Liam said. "And we play for, well … for as long as we want to." He grabbed the ball and lifted it up. "You all ready?"  
"Let's get started!" Niall shouted.  
"Aye, let's win this shit!" Louis meant cheerily.  
Harry went down to the back part of the pitch - he would do the defence, at least he wanted to. He was sure that Louis and Ed were better player than him and that meant that they would run the game while he would kick out what came behind them. That was what he was good at.  
But apparently not today.  
"Oi, mate, that's my position!" Ed called out to him.  
Harry blinked at him, surprised. "What?"  
"I'm not good in the offence, so get your pretty little ass in front of the goal and shoot the goals for us!" Ed said, and he sounded pretty much convinced that Harry could do that.  
The curly haired bloke swallowed hard. Good. Great! Absolutely fantastic! With that, he had another chance to embarrass himself in front of his dorm mates. He sighed and jogged forward nonetheless. He wouldn't argue with Ed. He would simply do his best and either it was enough or it wasn't.  
Liam kicked the ball high in the air, almost vertically upwards. "Fair play guys, don't forget about that!" And he ran in the back of the opposite side of the field, Zayn's, Liam's and Niall's side.  
Louis and Niall crashed together when they tried to get the ball. Harry watched the both of them jumping high and then falling down without a ball - without a ball! Suddenly he understood that none of the guys had won the white leather that now rolled some metres behind them, alone.  
And hell yeah, running was his discipline.   
Harry got the ball and dribbled down the sideline. The adrenaline in his blood increased and somehow he found the love for the game inside him which he had thought that was gone years earlier.  
"Louis, the hell, where are you?!" he shouted as Liam ran towards him, ready to catch the ball from him. And he would lose the ball again if the older one would come near enough.  
"Over here!" Louis waved from the middle of the pitch. Niall was right behind him, but Harry was sure that Niall could handle that. He passed the ball to Louis.  
"Come on, Loueh, get it into the net!" Ed cheered from the back of the field. And Louis didn't let the ginger head say this twice. But the ball didn't reach the empty goal.  
Instead, Zayn caught the ball. He literally flew through the air to catch it an then hit the grass hardly. Afterwards, he didn't move but curling into a ball around the leather.  
"Oh my god, Zayn!" Liam shouted. "Shit, are you alright?" The brown haired literally ran over to the raven-haired and hovered down beside him, more or less in his back.  
In that moment Zayn shot up, wrapped his arm around him and pulled him down with him, in front of him again. Liam squeaked and Zayn laughed loudly when he started tickling the pale boy. Harry smirked amusedly while watching the two of them wrestling on the floor.  
"They're somewhat cute, aren't they?" Louis stood by Harry's side.  
"Yup" Harry nodded and kept watching the two guys. Liam and Zayn were now giggling on the floor, tickling each other. Harry thought that the two of them were sickly adorable.  
"Hey there guys!" Niall shouted. "Didn't we want to play football? You can have a tickle fight later on!" The blond held some distance to the boys who were rolling on the floor. He didn't want to stop them or he didn't want to get involved obviously.  
Zayn and Liam looked at him surprised, their hair tousled and their cheeks blushed. Then Zayn grinned cheekily and offered his dorm mate the middle finger. And then Liam pulled him down again.  
"Let that crazy guys doing whatever they want to" Ed said annoyed and grabbed Niall by the shoulder. "I have a guitar with me, we could make some music. What about that?"  
Harry looked at Ed surprised. Music was what he loved to do, the only thing he was really good at. It was his life, and some good friends of him actually said that his voice was good, too. He could play guitar and piano, even some drums and he'd had some violin lessons, too. But it had been a long time ago. Now he was used to playing the concert piano in the living room - mostly classics for his parents, but also some newer pieces - and the guitar wherever he was. His eyes lit up at that - he had thought he had no chance here to make what he loved the most.  
"Good idea!" he found himself saying.  
Louis looked up at him and when their eyes met, Harry was kind of frozen to the spot, because he had never seen eyes like that before. These orbs were the bluest and deepest he had ever seen and with the mischievous glint in them - OK, he had to stop thinking like that.  
"That's a great idea, even better than football!" Louis cheered. "I wasn't in the mood either, so let's just go back again."  
Niall pouted. "But we're not even here for twenty seconds!" he complained.  
"Nah, mate" Ed pulled him back, away from the two boys on the grass, "It was a little longer. But we can come back another day, can't we?"  
Niall wasn't happy, but he went with Louis, Harry and Ed. They left Zayn and Liam laying on the pitch, in front of the goal, move less now, staring at the sky. The sun was already going down and the first stars were seen in the sky. They laid side by side on their backs, with some space between them but their flat laying hands almost touching.  
Niall looked back to the pair of them. "Aren't we supposed to get down from the gay path?" he asked.  
Harry swallowed again. Yeah, they were. But it would be hard. Hadn't the Irishman seen that already? Again the long fingers of the youngest in the group found their way into the pockets of his skinny black jeans and he ducked his head, not saying anything. Did he think it would be just like a walk in the park? No, it wouldn't be. And Zayn and Liam weren't a real example either, because he had lain like this with a friend, too.  
Louis just laughed, unlike Harry. "We are. But it doesn't work with everyone. I mean, look at me, I'm here for the hundredth time, at least it feels like that, just because my parents don't understand that they can't get me off the dick" He slung an arm around Niall's shoulders. "And maybe Liam and Zayn won't get 'better', too"  
Ed looked at him. "Who knows. Have you mentioned how they look at each other?"  
Yeah, Harry thought. They looked at each other as if there was more between them than just the short hours that they had spent together in the camp. But he didn't say anything, because he was used to the fact that nobody was really listening to him.   
"They look like close friends look at each other - what's wrong with that?" Niall wanted to know, surprisingly dump. Hadn't he just mentioned that there was something?  
"No, Niall. They look like a couple look at each other." Louis replied. "You should probably watch them more careful. I'm sure that there will be a thing going on between the two of them sooner or later."  
"Pretty much sooner than later" Ed added with a cock of his head and a sly grin.  
Louis nodded. "Yeah, right. Isn't it, Harry?"  
Harry didn't meet his gaze because it made him crazy, looking into these blue eyes. He would get attached, too soon and to the wrong person. But he looked up and nodded, without any words.  
"You can actually say what you think, you know?" Louis said. "We don't bite"  
Ed snorted. "I wouldn't be too sure about that when it comes to Tommo" he teased him.  
Louis stared at him in utter shock. But then he smiled subtle and cocked an eyebrow. "Yeah, I do bite, but only if you want me to" he said, more towards Harry than towards Ed.  
All the boys laughed and Harry shook his head, his untameable curls bouncing in his eyes. "You are hilarious, Lou!" he said, and the nickname slipped over his lips so naturally that he didn't even mention that he was using it.  
Louis grinned cheekily. "I know!"  
Niall patted Louis on the back, laughing hardly. "The next two weeks are going to be great if we continue like that"  
Ed nodded eagerly. "And we have to stay in touch afterwards. That would be great"  
They reached the dorm and went inside, plopping down on the beds. Well, more that Ed and Niall sat on Ed's bunk and Louis fell on Harry's bed. Harry looked at him. There would have been enough space beside the Irish and the gingerhead. So why the hell did Louis sit down beside him? He didn't like it when other people were always so close to him.  
But Louis smiled at him and nudged his shoulder with his own, and well, Harry suddenly thought it wasn't all too bad to sit with Louis on the same bed.  
Ed pulled a great and obviously expensive black guitar out of his luggage and placed it on his lap while Niall took the huge folder with all the songs and notes Ed had with him.  
"Do you have any suggestions what we could play?" Ed asked.  
"Play one of your songs" Louis said, his eyes shining.  
Ed met Louis' gaze quite surprised. "So you are listening to my shows on the radio?"  
Louis nodded. "Of course - everybody loves it! Well, play one of your songs, please"  
"Alright" Ed took the folder and opened it on a certain page. "So, gentlemen, this is Gold Rush." And Harry listened to Ed's voice and the sound of the guitar and, god, he loved it.


	6. Chapter 6

When Harry woke up the next morning, he instantly knew where he was, but just because Niall was snoring like he wanted to chop a whole forest with that. He stared at the bunk over him where Zayn just turned on the other side and took a deep breathe, slowly stroking the curls out of his eyes.

He hadn't had that much fun in a long while, to be honest. The guys were hilarious, but in a good way. After a few songs, Niall had taken the guitar from the redhead and a little shown off. And the boy was great with the guitar - and his voice was perfect, just like a little pop star. After some time, Liam and Zayn accompanied them again; the two of them seemed to be attached by the hip, if he was honest.

And soon after they all sat together, they started singing together. Harry first just listened, to Zayn's raspy tone, Liam's clear voice and Louis' high singing. And then, he found himself suddenly singing along, hesitantly and low at first, but when Louis heard him, he smiled reassuringly and nudged his shoulder, and it made it easier to sing louder and louder.

It was good; it made him feel better, just as always. And when the boys also said that his voice was great, it was even more perfect.

A deep sigh left his chest. It was so easy to feel good and natural around these five crazy guys he was staying with.

"Curly?"

The low whisper sent shivers down Harry's spine - it scared him, to be honest, but he also liked Louis using that nickname for him. But then he turned a little to find Louis laying on his stomach, the chin resting on his crossed arms, and looking at him with sleepy blue eyes.

"Morning" Harry whispered back, a small smile tugging on his lips, and he mirrored Louis' position. "Slept well?"

Louis shrugged. "I'm used to those fucking uncomfortable mattresses." And he chuckled about his own joke a little. "What about you?"

"I'm alive" Harry gave back with a smirk. "No, honestly, it was more than OK"

"How can you even sleep with that Irishman snoring like Santa?" Liam's head popped down from the bunk above Louis.

Louis giggled and a low chuckle escaped Harry's lips.

"You have to be exhausted enough" Ed mumbled lowly and his red mop of messy hair appeared between the sheets. "But I wasn't"

Niall turned in his bunk and snored even louder. Ed rolled his eyes while Liam, Louis and Harry just giggled.

"What time is it?" Ed asked.

Louis fished his phone from the floor. "Half past seven - you can wake him up, in an hour is breakfast time" he said.

And so Ed kicked under Niall's bed and shouted: "Holy crap Horan, _wake up_!"

Nothing. Zayn turned above Harry, but except that, nothing happened.

Liam sat up so that Louis and Harry couldn't see him anymore. They heard him shuffling on the bed, obviously trying to wake Zayn up while Ed kept stomping under the mattress and shouting.

Harry wondered how the boys could even kept sleeping with this noise.

"I don't know" Louis answered and Harry mentioned that he had spoken this question out loud. He blushed slightly, but Louis just smiled lightly and reached out to ruffle his hair slightly before getting up. "I don't know what about you guys, but I will go into the bathroom now and take a shower at first!"

Harry watched Louis standing up and getting some new clothes and a towel out of his cupboard before going in the bathroom and locking the door when …

"OH MY GOD YOU DON'T DARE IT!"

The green eyes shot to Niall who sat now upright in his bed. As soon as he saw him, he couldn't hold back his laughter anymore. He barked it out loudly and tried to restrain him self though, because Niall shot him glares that would kill if they could.

"You're a bit wet on your pants" Liam deadpanned, he chuckled on his bed.

Ed squeaked on the floor with airless laughter.

"He put fucking ice in my boxers!" Niall complained.

It was absolutely hilarious.

 

One hour later the boys were leaving their house for breakfast. Somehow they had managed to take a quick shower one after one. Well, Louis took the longest and Niall was allowed to go second, because he had fucking ice in his pants. Zayn overslept the whole ice-drama of course, he was woken up later by a fresh-showered Liam with a low continued whisper and a soft hand stroking through his hair (or, it was the fact that Harry had gained confidence tonight and just decided to pull his duvet down so that it was freezing around the Bradford boy suddenly).

And yeah, Harry had gained new confidence. He chatted with Niall while they were waiting for Ed, who was the last one taking a shower, because Zayn was faster when Harry was finished (they practically tackled the curly-haired down when they fought for the bathroom). He grew comfortable to them, and when he was comfortable around someone, he went actually out of his shell a little. But not too much, please.

Breakfast itself was loud and funny, with Louis and Liam fighting over some croissants until Niall simply snatched it from them and ate it himself. That made both of the brown haired lads practically jump on Niall, until one of the carers stopped them which had Ed doubling over with laughter and Zayn and Harry snickering and giggling along. It was great and Harry felt surprisingly good. They were already a bunch of people who got on so well that they could call themselves friends, even after just one night.

 

At the end of the breakfast, one of the women who were creeping around them and looking after them gave them some sheets of paper - "That's what we're gonna do the next week!" Louis exclaimed, but even though he tried, he couldn't hide his annoyance behind his typical cheerful behaviour.

Liam took the sheets and looked at the things that were printed on it. "So, today we're having Spiritual Rituals … sounds somewhat strange. And this afternoon we're working - in the garden? What the hell should that help us with?!"

"Lou, what's Spiritual Rituals?" Ed asked, his eyes darting up from the paper he was looking on from over Liam's shoulder.

Louis shrugged, obviously unexcited. "It's some thing with meditating in the forest and being one with the nature and all this crap. The woman who's doing that is creepy"

And the older boy should be right. They were going directly to the place where it was - up on a hill, in the middle of a little clearing in the trees that were growing on it. It was nice there, with the morning sun pouring through the leaves and the birds singing around them. And it was warm as well, so Harry could really have enjoyed being there.

But there was this woman.

She reminded him of Professor Trelawney - you know, this insane teacher in Harry Potter. She was tall and lanky, her hair was blonde but seemed greyish and her skin was weathered. The clothes she was wearing had natural colours, green, olive, sand, brown, and her eyes were huge and grey, even without these giant glasses Trelawney had been wearing.

"Hell" Harry muttered out under his breath.

Louis smirked at him and nudged his shoulder with his own. "Yeah, that's where she is from" he joked, and when he said that the woman's creepy eyes shot to them from where she was staring into the trees.

"Oh Louis. Didn't we drive the devil out of you?" she asked in a disappointed sigh.

Harry looked a little bit surprised. The devil? This woman called gayness devilish? Well, that was kind of weird. He wasn't devilish. It was maybe wrong in their community, but that wasn't devilish either. He wasn't devilish, and neither were these boys he was staying with since yesterday. They were just people in the end, all of them.

"Nope, they didn't" And Louis held his chin high and his shoulders straight and he seemed as if he was proud of himself. He was proud of being gay? Well, that was strange. Why was he so proud of a thing that was so wrong? Harry watched him with some strange curiosity, and Louis glanced at him and a little smile tugged at his lips.

The woman stood up from where she was sitting, looking at him with a hard frown around her lips. "Well, then you're not longer allowed here. This is a place to find freedom and since you are obviously more devilish than any of the others, you have to leave them alone, otherwise they won't be able to find peace here." She said roughly.

Louis just smirked again and nodded then. "Whatever you want" He turned around again. Harry looked at him wide-eyed. What should that mean "he was worse than the others"? This woman was a little insecure, wasn't she? But Louis only smiled reassuringly at him and when he went to leave, his fingers lightly brushed over Harry's - or was it just his imagination? He didn't know, but it left a little tingly feeling inside of him.

"So, lovelies, come here and sit down, please" the woman seemed now different from before. She was smiling widely and seemed friendlier. Harry decided that he didn't like her though. She wasn't nice to the boy he was recently closest to. And he didn't like when somebody insulted persons he thought they were nice.

"Don't have that bad thoughts, you" the woman said to him.

He looked up, shocked. "How did you know?!" he exclaimed. Now this woman was scaring him. Was she properly reading his thoughts? That was creepy, more than. Really.

"Your aura is shivering silver, that means that you're upset about something. But there's a lot of purple as well and that means that you are having dark thoughts." The woman said. She sat down with her legs crossed, and the boys mirrored her, exchanging some weird looks.

Harry didn't feel that sane anymore. Louis was the one who knew how it was in the camp, what was going on here. He was leading the group. Niall beside him seemed to sense how upset he was, and patted his knee lightly. Well, he wanted to, but the woman simply swatted his hand away.

"No touching" she said. "Touching doesn't help you"

"What's wrong with that though?" Ed wanted to know bravely. "I touched my mates as well, and that wasn't in that background"

The woman glared at him. "On this clearing you're going to follow my rules, alright? You're going to do what I say - or else it won't help you and I can't bring the demons out of you." She said, and Ed lowered his head. So they had no chance, right? They had to get through this if they wanted to change.

And he wanted to change. God, how he wanted to change. He needed to change because his parents wanted him to. He remembered his step dad's stern eyes or his mum's cold last words. She hadn't turned around to say Goodbye to him because he had disappointed her. If he weren't gay, he wouldn't have to deal with this. It was crazy.

"OK, close your eyes now." The woman said.

How was her name? She hadn't told them. Harry closed his eyes, even though he didn't want to. His palms got sweaty, he already had a bad feeling with that. He rubbed them dry on his jeans, but the attempt didn't really work.

"Breathe deeply. In and out. Slowly. In … out … in … out. Let your spirit flow. In … out. I'll lead you." The woman said in her low voice.

Harry did how he was told. Eventually, he felt like he was dreaming. Everything was endless and black around him, and he was completely alone. He didn't like blackness, he didn't like being alone in it. His heartbeat went faster, he swallowed nervously.

And then, he fell. A cry nobody could hear escaped his lips when he was dragged down, falling endlessly into more darkness. The eighteen year old boy fought against the dream. Panic tightened his throat. He needed to get out of here. He definitely needed to get out of there.

Suddenly, Harry jerked into conscience again. His green eyes were wide and fearful, he was sweating and panting. He looked around and saw the others sitting there in their trance. The woman stared at him with her huge grey eyes.

He jumped to his feet and ran off like he was hunted. And over his own racing blood, he heard her cry.

"You'll never get free again! _Demon!!_ "


	7. Chapter 7

Harry ran (or better stumbled) down the hill and straight to their house. What was this? What the fuck was this crazy woman doing to him? He felt the tears running down his cheeks and didn't even bother wiping them away. The fear was squeezing his heart and his throat, he was panting heavily and his heartbeat was racing. He'd never felt like that before (he actually had, but he didn't want to remember). He just wanted to get away from that.

Harry stormed into the house, not even seeing clear anymore, his vision all blurry from the tears. But before he could fall onto his bed, hiding his face into the pillows and trying to forget, to push it away, he was gathered up in strong arms.

Louis held him tight, and Harry couldn't do anything against it. Well, partly because he didn't want to. He just sobbed into Louis' soft shirt violently. Old memories were shaken awake in his mind. Darkness, just like the one he had been into minutes ago. Rough hands grabbing him, forcing him to do things he didn't want to. Pain, hurt, unbearable until he finally passed out.

"Shush Haz. Calm down, Curly" Louis murmured into his ear, stroking his back soothingly, swaying them from side to side lightly.

Harry only held on him closer, practically clawing on him, fisting the material of his shirt on his back. He was taller than Louis, but in that moment his face was buried onto his shoulder, and he just felt so fucking tiny, so helpless, and Louis was the strong one.

"Calm down, Curly" he repeated. "Come on. Breathe, calm down. You're safe now, I'm here. Shh Hazza, it's OK" Louis' voice was slowly soothing him. He hugged him tightly and didn't let go of him. Harry believed that his arms saved him from shattering into pieces.

Eventually, he stopped crying, loosening his grip onto Louis. Now a blush was creeping onto his face, dark red. It was so embarrassing, having a breakdown in front of a stranger. Well, it was Louis - the older boy with the gorgeous blue eyes, and that made it even more embarrassing.

"I-I'm sorry" he mumbled when he pulled away, staring down at the floor.

Louis took his chin between his fingers and lifted his chin gently. "It's alright, yeah?" he said. "I'm here. We're friends, aren't we?"

Harry nodded, tried a little smile. Failed. "Yeah, we are."

Louis pulled him in for another hug, short and tight. "See? And now tell me what happened."

Harry sat down on the bed and ruffled his hair with a deep sigh. Louis gave him a water bottle and he took it thankfully when the older boy sat down beside him.

What should he tell him? He had never told anyone why he hated the darkness so much. And somehow he was sure that Louis wouldn't believe him that it was everything when Harry would let out that part. But on the other hand, Louis didn't know anything about him, right? So why should he know? How could he tell?

"She did this crazy spirit thing … I dreamed of blackness and - I fell. I didn't even know, it just scared me out of my mind." Harry told Louis, sipping on his water absentmindedly.

Louis rubbed his back lightly, comfortingly. "Yeah, she always does that. This falling thing is new, though" he furrowed his brows in concentration. "Have you heard anything?"

Harry shook his head, biting on his lip nervously. "Let's not talk about that, alright? I don't want to think about it anymore."

"Yeah, good" Louis smiled lightly at him. "How about we go for a little walk so you can get some fresh air?" he suggested after a moment.

Harry shrugged. "I'd rather stay here, to be honest."

"OK" Louis nodded. "We could watch a movie on my ipad then, how about that?"

Now a little smile tugged at Harry's lips. "Sounds good"

And so he made himself comfortable on the bed while Louis rustled through his luggage. Soon he had found his ipad and he was back, joining Harry on the bed.

"What do you think of _She's The Man_?" Louis wanted to know.

Harry shrugged. "Alright"

Louis smiled lightly, glancing at him while he was searching for it in his movie library. "You've never seen it before, have you?" he asked when he chose the title.

Harry shook his head. "Nah" Why should he? It wasn't that it was one of the usual films he watched. Well, he didn't have a special type, but movies like that weren't the ones that filled his cupboards at home.

"Why not? Gosh, Channing Tatum is so fuckin' hot in there!" Louis told him, making Harry laugh. Then the boys settled against the cushions while the film started. Well, Harry thought that he would settle against the cushions, but Louis simply pulled him to his chest. Louis simply wrapped his arm around Harry's bony shoulders and held him close.

The younger lad had never been so close to a boy he barely knew. He wasn't one to get quite touchy-feely with strangers - or with people in general. But it was Louis. Louis didn't quite fit into Harry's system. He didn't know why, but he just liked having him there.

And so Harry leaned against the broad chest and let out a breath he didn't know he was holding in. That was the moment when Harry first started to wonder: everybody said that being gay was bad. Lots of the persons here (and his family as well) were treating him like he was ill or just someone who did something really bad, like a terrorist or a murderer or something.

But Louis was proudly openly gay and yet he was the first person who was seemingly really caring about him. That let him wonder if these people were right. He couldn't believe that Louis was a bad person or that he was having the devil inside him. For that, Louis was too much of a good person.

"Lou?" Harry mumbled, the nickname slipping off his tongue easily, thoughtlessly.

Louis didn't look away from the screen. "Yeah, Curly?"

"Why do they say it's bad?" the younger boy asked the question which had been bothering him lately.

Louis understood instantly what Harry was talking about. He shrugged, letting Harry's head bounce slightly. "I don't know" he said. "They say it's not human because it's not allowed from the bible or something."

"Do you think they're talking shit?" Harry asked, surprised of himself at how forward he was being in that moment. Not that he cared all too much.

Louis simply nodded.

"Then why are you here?"

Louis shrugged again. "I don't have any other chance" he muttered. And for the first time, Louis didn't seem all too self-confident anymore. He blushed slightly and turned away from Harry a little more. It was just strange, somehow.

Harry lifted his hand and let his fingertips graze the older boy's cheek lightly, making him look at him with a bit of a surprise. When their eyes met, Harry said _"It's OK"_ with his eyes and Louis smiled appreciating before both of them concentrated on the movie again. Louis' fingers kept drawing small patterns on his skin right where Harry's shirt ended.

And Harry enjoyed it.

 

*

 

The next two days went on fast - they had meetings with their therapist, they worked in the garden and got to know each other better. The six boys of the House 1 were more or less inseparable - while the other houses mixed together and while the other boys made friends in other dorms as well, they only were together.

And this was in the end a little bit overwhelming for Harry. He had never been around people all the time and even though he got a little more outgoing by now, it was just too much for him. He liked all of them, really. But he had been alone for such a long time now, he had to get used to being surrounded by people first.

So Harry was leaving the house all alone on this first Thursday afternoon, simply going to the spot Louis had shown him the other day: a little cliff at the camp's lake, behind the forest. It was a silent place and nobody else ever came here - Harry liked it. He sat down on the edge, enjoying the warmth of the evening sun shining down at him and the slight warm breeze rustling through his hair lightly.

Finally, he was alone.

The curly haired boy took a deep breathe and felt as if a weight was lifted off his chest. For once, he could think about his new mates in peace, without worrying that they would find him thinking or that he would miss him if he would just zone out. And now, he could finally let his thoughts flow, simply letting them come and go however they did.

The first thing that came to him was the little conversation he had overheard yesterday morning between Liam and Zayn. A conversation that made him questioning some things.

_"I missed you" Zayn mumbled._

_"I missed you, too" Liam replied, his voice sounding all gently._

_It was silent for a moment, and when Harry peeked through the door, he saw the two older boys hugging intimately. He knew it was time to go back, but he just turned away from the door blushing, not ready to move just yet. What did that mean, they missed each other?_

_"Can you promise me one thing?" Zayn asked now, slowly, hesitantly. Harry had never heard him like that and it left him quite surprised._

_He could almost see Liam playing with the hairs in Zayn's neck like he always did when the two felt unwatched. "What is it, Z?"_

_"Don't leave me again."_

_What the fuck? Harry stunned and heard a little more intently. What was going down?_

_"What do you mean?" Liam wanted to know, but he obviously had a clue, he just couldn't believe what Zayn was about to say. Well, Harry neither._

_"When the camp is over, don't go back to your family. Stay with me! You got a study place in Bristol, didn't you? Let's move there, just you and me."_

_Liam was silent for a second, and when Harry dared another glimpse, he was just staring at Zayn and Zayn was staring back at him. Zayn's hands laid on Liam's lower back and Liam's were still tangled in Zayn's hair. They looked like they were in their own world - and they looked so fucking happy._

_"Alright" Liam leant forward and pressed their foreheads together, making both boys smile with that simple little word. "I won't let you slip away again."_

So Liam and Zayn had been together? Harry remembered their stories from Monday - they were the other's boyfriend their parents hadn't been willing to accept! That was explaining a lot of things Harry hadn't been able to put a finger on before. All the shared glances, the lingering touches, the smiles, the inside jokes - it was love the two shared.

They were good for each other, literally perfect, so Harry thought. He hoped the two of his mates would really do what they planned in that moment - it would be the best for them, he was sure. They wouldn't ever be happy otherwise, at least not completely and truly. That was what Harry assumed.

And then there was Niall. He was being, well, Niall. He was loud and happy and funny. Even the clumsiness of him was just adorable. He couldn't say anything against that boy and he didn't find anything to complain about (besides of his habit of being too loud, even in his sleep). It was just impossible not to like the Irish boy, and so Harry had kind of let him stumble into his comfort zone straight away. He liked him, really.

Ed was the only one in their group who really seemed to get straighter or whatever they called it. He was eager to listen to all the speeches and lessons they had to listen to and it really seemed to reach him. He believed into that what those somewhat strange people said and that was something Harry didn't really like. But besides that he was really a great guy. He was a cool mate and his jokes were hilarious and god, his music skills.

And then there was Louis.

Louis who was loud and proudly openly gay.

Louis who was known by everyone here.

Louis who was always looking after him, understanding him, being there for him.

Louis who was the reason he had started to doubt it.

Yeah, the stunning older bloke was giving him a new view on the whole thing. Louis was perfection, beautifulness both mentally and physically. And he was so proud of his sexuality, so why was being gay wrong? Harry didn't know anymore. But he heard the rubbish all the people were talking and it blew his mind: on the one hand he wanted to believe his family who said it was wrong. On the other hand he wanted to believe his crush who said it was the most natural thing in the world.

"What are you thinking about?"

Harry jerked out of his thoughts in panic, sitting up straight and looking around kind of horrified. His eyes met the most gorgeous blue eyes he had ever seen in his life almost instantly, and when they did, he relaxed again, settling back on the grass, a small smile tugging on his lips.

"Nothing, I'm just wondering."

"About what?" Louis asked, laying down beside him.

Harry decided that he was being a little bit forward to day - it was Louis and he wasn't as shy around people he knew and liked, so that wasn't much of a problem anymore. "You" he smiled at his mate.

A faint blush coloured Louis' cheeks and it looked great. "I feel honoured" he said. And then, after a moment, "Why did you come up here?"

Harry shrugged, watching the sky getting darker with every minute. He liked those moments of peace when he could just watch the sky colour change without worrying about anything. "I needed some alone-time I guess" he admitted. It felt good to know that he could be honest with Louis because he knew Louis would understand. He had needed a boy (a friend) like Louis earlier, but he had never had one.

"Oh, am I disturbing you?" Louis asked while he sat up again.

"No!" Harry exclaimed. He grabbed Louis' arm, pulling him back down. "No" he repeated, calm now, smiling. "You are more than just allowed to stay here with me." And he blushed slightly because he wanted him to stay, he really did.

Louis chuckled. "Good thing that I don't plan on leaving either" he settled down beside Harry again, their shoulders touching now. Harry had mentioned before that they were always close to each other, even when there was enough space to have more distance between them. He liked it. He had never been a very cuddly person, but that was different. He had honestly never trusted someone that easily before. Their relationship was soon growing so close, and Harry found himself attached to that fascinating guy. He didn't know why, it just kind of happened.

"Lou?" Harry whispered into the silence that had been surrounding them for the past few minutes.

"Yeah, Haz?" Louis mumbled back. They both tuned their heads and when their eyes met, both smiled just a little wider, instantly and simultaneously.

"I'm glad we met" Harry admitted, blushing only a little bit.

Louis smiled wider. "Yeah, me, too" And he linked his index finger with Harry's pinkie finger almost hesitantly.

It felt good.


	8. Chapter 8

"So Harry" Dr Wayne said. She crossed her legs and looked at him with a professional look. "We haven't talked about the incident on Tuesday yet. I want to know what happened."

Harry swallowed hard, gripping the material of the loveseat he set in tighter. He didn't want to talk about that, now that Louis had just helped him to get over it. He knew that the more he would let it in, the likelier it was that the nightmares would come back. And he didn't want to have them back. He was so happy to be free of them after they had been chasing him for years. "Do we really have to talk about that?" he asked hesitantly. He really didn't want to talk about that. Not at all.

"We have" Dr Wayne said. "Come on, Harry. Nobody's going to know about that. I will be the only one who knows."

_Yeah_ , Harry thought, _and that's the reason why I don't want to._ But he didn't say it out loud - he didn't trust that woman and so he wasn't that outgoing. He let out a sigh and wondered what he could tell her. He decided that he would tell here just as much as he had told Louis. She couldn't know anything about his past so she wouldn't be able to tell that he was hiding something, just like Louis.

"Alright" he mumbled. His voice was louder when he continued, "So, I kinda got scared because of the dream I had. I don't like darkness and silence and this combination of both made me freak out, kinda."

"And why don't you like it, Harry?" Dr Wayne wanted to know. Her eyes pierced into Harry's with a knowing gaze. Harry got more nervous at that, it felt like his chest was tightening around him. What the fuck did she know? What did she really know about him? Did she know about - that?

"I don't know" Harry said. At least he could say he tried to deny it. Could he get that little golden Tumblr-You-Tried-star now, please?

Dr Wayne leant forward slightly. "Really, Harry? You know, I know much more about you than you think." She said. And even though she sounded kind of kind, Harry felt shivers running down his spine because of the sheer dangerousness that swept with the woman's words.

Harry quivered now. He wanted to go back to his lads (well, he'd prefer Louis alone, but he couldn't have anything, so they all were more than alright). This wasn't going into a good direction, not at all. His hands were shaky and sweaty when he ruffled his curls. He didn't want that to be true. His biggest secret was revealed to that stupid woman, and that was fucked up shit. Nobody should ever know.

"You don't -"

"I do. Harry, I know what happened to you" Dr Wayne showed him a file with his name and the date that changed his life forever. He swallowed again, fighting back the memories in the back of his head. He opened his lips, but no sound came out. He closed it, coughed awkwardly, restrained himself and tried it again.

"No."

Yeah, he definitely was ready for that Tumblr-You-Tried-star-thingie. Why? Well, he was failing on full length, so he really deserved it.

"Of course I do, Harry. You know, I think that's a reason for your failures. This man who did this to you, he was gay as well. He was a really bad person just because he was gay. Harry, gay people are bad people. The man who raped you, Harry, he wasn't himself because the demon of homosexuality that was having him."

Harry wrapped his arms around his waist now and started swaying back and forth when he couldn't fight the force of his memories anymore. They were swallowing him like waves crashing down on him. By the matter of a second, his body was shaking violently while he was trapped in his own mind. He wanted to get out of those memories that were slowly killing him, but he couldn't escape now that they caught him.

_Harry was in that dark room again. It was lightless and wet, he heard the water dripping down from time to time, but it had never been enough to fill the silence for more than a second, and he could never get something to drink from it. He felt his throat hurting from crying and shouting so much, and he was thirsty and hungry. His body was dirty and his clothes tattered. And he was cold, so fucking cold._

_And then, suddenly, there was this man again. Huge and strong, dull eyes, saliva-covered lips and short greyish hair he was. He felt the thick fingers again, ripping open his clothes, digging into his bony bruised hips while turning him on his stomach. And then he rammed his dick unlubed in his little boyish hole, causing him the worst pain ever. Harry cried, he just wanted it to stop. He just wanted the pain to end, but he couldn't get away from his rapist. He could never. He was sore and then bleeding, but he didn't stop, no matter how much Harry cried._

_And when Harry did well, and most of the time that man got pleased of that, he got a little bit to eat and to drink. But that didn't make it easier, it made it even worse. Because when he ate something, he got a little bit better, he recovered a little. Just to get raped and destroyed again._

"Harry!"

The trembling crying boy was shaken out of his memories, staring at his therapist wide-eyed. She was standing in front of him, pitying him with her eyes.

"Do you see it, Harry? This man did this to you because he was gay. Do you want to be like this crazy man and hurt other people, just like he did?"

Her voice was calm and soothing and Harry just shook his head to that. He didn't want to end like that devil of his rapist. The memory was killing him just once more, driving him crazy slowly but surely. He was once again scared out of his mind just because of what happened to him back then. He wasn't thinking straight anymore because of that, his mind was fogged with fear and the only clear thought was that he didn't want to be like that man. _I don't wanna end like that. I don't wanna end like that. I don't wanna end like that._

Over and over.

And through that fog he started to believe in their words. They were going to make him a better person. They were going to help him to be good again. He was a bad person right now, just like all the others who weren't getting better right now.

"Are you going to cooperate from now on?" Dr Wayne asked him.

Harry wiped away his tears with shaking hands. "Yeah" he said, nodding wearily, "I will. I want to." He took the tissue he was giving him, wiping his nose and his eyes once more before stuffing it into the pocket of his trousers.

"Good, Harry. Finally you see it." She said.

He didn't know what to answer to that, so he just mumbled a "Thanks" because of that tissue. They sat in silence for a moment; Harry regained his breath and waited for his heartbeat to calm down again. He didn't feel good at all, he felt sick, like vomiting straight into that woman's face in front of him.

"Do you have anything else to say?" Dr Wayne finally asked.

Harry shrugged. He still didn't like that woman; he still wasn't going to give that woman any more information than necessary. "Nah, I don't think so" he muttered.

"Nice!" She smiled. What was smile-worthy about that? "Alright, then we're finished for today. Thanks for coming" She stood up.

Harry mirrored her actions, just that he wasn't smiling. He didn't feel like it. "Bye Doctor" And he left the office. He just wanted to go back to their house now, trying to sort out the chaos in his head.

When Harry left that house that was familiar to him by now, his eyes were reddened and slightly swollen from crying, his fingers didn't want to stop shaking and he wasn't in the mood to meet anybody - not even Louis.

He needed time to think. Harry needed more time. But of course Louis was waiting for him outside the building, smiling widely at him. And of course it was Louis, not one of the others. While he had always preferred that boy, he was now the one he wanted to meet the least. That was just because his smile still made him all tingly inside, just as always. But for the first time in the whole week, he didn't like that feeling, it wasn't making him smile as well.

"Hazza-Bear!" Louis exclaimed. Then he mentioned Harry's missing smile, his clenched jaw and his pink eyes and his smile faltered. "What's up Curly? What did she do to you?" he asked, sounding worried.

Harry didn't meet his gaze, he didn't want to see those beautiful sea blue eyes that were the ones he had first seen true worry about him in. He knew that he would get weak if he looked at him too long. "Nothing, it's alright" he muttered out, shyly as if they had just met. "We just spoke about some things."

"About what exactly?" Louis wanted to know, tilting his head to the side slightly. Harry knew that Louis would mention it. His behaviour had changed drastically; it was just like back at the beginning of the week when Harry was just that silent shy kid. But he couldn't change it, he couldn't change anything.

"Oh, yeah, just random things. Nothing special." He said, wondering how he could get away from Louis. Because honestly, that boy would be helpful at all - he'd rather be the death of him.

"Harry" Louis brought so much emotion in this one word. Harry felt his heart clench, but he would never ever go back again. He couldn't trust Louis anymore.

Now the older boy stretched out his hand, trying to pull the younger one in for a hug. It was nothing special anymore; they had always been quite affectionate with each other from that Tuesday morning on. Still Harry stared at those long slender tanned fingers and then, just before they touched his shoulder, he jolted away from them like they were something dangerous.

Louis let his hand fall down again, staring at Harry with wide blown eyes and god how vulnerable and hurt he just looked. He seemed so broken then and there, so sad. Harry took another step back. He didn't like hurting Louis, but he didn't have any other chance.

"So now you believe in that shit as well?" Louis asked, he sounded sad and disappointed.

Harry didn't say anything, just fiddling with his fingers, looking down at them.

It was enough of an answer for Louis, though. "Why? Didn't we agree that that's total crap?" Louis reminded him, and Harry flinched slightly.

"You don't know anything" he whispered barely audible.

"What?"

Harry's head jolted upwards and his eyes met Louis'. His green orbs were harsh and hard, unlike everything Harry felt and unlike everything he thought he could do or be like towards Louis. "I said you don't know anything." He repeated roughly.

"No I don't" Louis glared at him, crossing his arms in front of his chest. "Because you won't let me in! I thought that we were friends, more even! I thought you would've finally trusted me enough to share your thoughts with me! I truly cared about you! But no, 'course not, I'm not worth the famous Harry Styles' trust or attention!"

Harry's lips were slightly parted and anger built up in his stomach at these words. He concentrated on that feeling because he knew he couldn't be angry at Louis for long and he wouldn't be able to fight with him otherwise (or with anyone else in general. Usually Harry wasn't one for arguing).

"You don't know anything because I don't want you to, that's right! Because the hell, you're just like them! You think that I have to tell you everything just because we're friends! I don't even know anything about you, Mr Oh-I'm-So-Gorgeous!"

Louis didn't listen, he was already yelling back, "So you fucking compare me with them? I thought you were smart enough not to believe their homophobic shit!"

"I'm smart enough to believe it, actually! You're not going to hold me back anymore, Tomlinson!" Harry shouted at him angrily.

"FINE!" Louis yelled after him when Harry shoved him out of his way and rushed down the path to their house. "I don't plan on doing so!"

Harry didn't stop, he just continued almost running down to their house. He only wanted to be alone now and sort all these feelings out. He hadn't planned on arguing with Louis, really. He hadn't planned on hurting him and shoving him away like he had just done. But he didn't have any other chance. He couldn't be near Louis any longer when he wanted to get better, finally.

Harry ran now down the way and soon stumbled into their dorm. Just like he hoped, his mates weren't there (it wasn't that he didn't want them to be there. It was just that they didn't have to witness that mental breakdown that was building up inside him by now). So he was kind of relieved when he found it completely empty (on the table laid a scribbled note saying _"going to the pool, meet us there or don't. Ed, Nialler, Zayn, Liam x"_ , but of course Harry didn't see it).

The boy fell onto his bed, pressed his face into his pillow and a first dry sob escaped his throat. He didn't mention though that on his pillow laid one of his shirts. It was that one that Louis had borrowed the other day. He just knew that the smell that was filling his nose while he was crying more and more was kind of comforting him.


	9. Chapter 9

Slowly but surely, Harry calmed down, and about half an hour later he was almost neutral again. He laid on the bed without moving at all, just like he fell on it earlier. But while he seemed so calm on the outside, his thoughts were racing. He kept seeing memories of the week he had spent in that room. He didn't know what to do against it. When he was younger, he had gotten pills for his depressions, but he hadn't taken them for years now. He wasn't having some as well, why should he?

But he could really use them or one of the other escapes he had discovered now, honestly. He wanted to concentrate on his life. When he didn't want to end like his rapist, he had to get straight again, that was his only chance to escape, she said. He had to make his parents proud and much more importantly he didn't want to be like those wrong people who are attacking children. He didn't want to destroy any child's childhood (or life).

Suddenly, the door banged open and a bunch of limbs fell into the house. Zayn and Liam, making out heavily, stumbled in. Zayn's legs were wrapped around Liam's waist, his long fingers tangled into the chocolate brown quiff. Liam's tongue was exploring Zayn's mouth and his hands were already in Zayn's boxers, squeezing his boyfriend's behind.

Harry shot up from his bed, staring at the couple in utter shock. He was paralyzed, his face got pale and then he blushed fiercely. You could feel the love and sexual tension between those two, it was just so fucking obvious how strong the bonds between them were.

A part of the younger curly haired which he claimed as his weak part right now was jealous of them. He wanted to have somebody who loved him as passionately as the two of them loved each other. But the bigger part of him was just shocked, disgusted even. He didn't want to have a boy feeling for him like that.

He didn't want to see what they were doing there. He didn't want to see their hips rubbing together dry-humping. He didn't want to hear their muffled sighs, moans even, deep in their throat. But he couldn't tear his gaze away. He couldn't move at all.

Now Liam mentioned Harry, and his eyes widened. "Oh-oh, Zee …" he mumbled, blushing slightly. "Zee, get down" And he, finally, removed his hands out of Zayn's pants.

Zayn was set down again, and as soon as his feet hit the floor, he turned around to face the younger boy. Both boys stared at Harry, their faces flushed from the heat that was practically radiating from their bodies, their hairs tousled and their clothes out of order. And the bulges in their pants were quite obvious - you just couldn't _not_ mention them. Harry blushed a shade darker.

When he wasn't moving, Zayn lifted his hands, gesturing towards the door. "Why are you even here anymore?" he asked, and because he was sexually frustrated like hell, he sounded a little rougher than he wanted it to be. Harry didn't mention at all. "We need some Ziam-time, now!"

"Don't be mean, Zaynie" Liam giggled, his arm encircling Zayn's waist, his hand squeezing the tanned boy's ass ever so slightly, teasingly almost. "But still, it would be really cool if you'd leave now, mate."

Harry still couldn't move. He was frozen to the spot and his limbs weren't belonging to him anymore. They were about to have sex. In this room. In one of those beds. In the shower, probably. On the floor or even against the wall. The images in his head were neither welcome nor helpful at all. They just made him exploding. You can decide yourself whether it was good or bad.

"HOW DO YOU DAMN DARE IT?! YOU'RE NOT EVEN FUCKIN' ALLOWED TO DO THIS SHIT! DO YOU KNOW HOW BLOODY DISGUSTING IT IS TO SEE YOU SNOGGING? I AM HERE TO GET FUCKIN' BETTER AND WITH THIS GOD-DAMN BEHAVIOUR YOU'RE DESTROYING EVERYTHING! DO YOU HEAR ME?? EVERYTHING!! AND YOU CAN'T DO THAT, YOU CAN'T FUCKING DO THAT! WE ARE SUPPOSED TO STOP THINGS LIKE THIS! I WANT TO STOP THINGS LIKE THIS! SO DAMN STOP WHAT I'M GOING TO MISS!"

Harry never screamed. He never swore, he never freaked out. But right now, he was yelling at the two startled horny boys in front of him furiously. At least for those words, harsh words. Lied words. And when he was finished, he was violently sobbing again, hot tears streaming down his face. He didn't know what was up with him. Usually, he wasn't one to cry much either. He had never mood changes, at least not that obvious ones. He was always calm and reasonably and nice.

But here, in this fucking camp, nothing was usual anymore. Everything was going wrong, and he couldn't even see what was right and what was wrong anymore. He was turning and rolling over and hurting himself with that, but he couldn't change it. He wasn't getting out of this, no matter how hard he tried.

He fell back onto the bed, curling into a ball, shaken by his crying. He was so weak, so helpless, and it was so embarrassing. But he couldn't help it. And he couldn't even think about stopping. Or something like that.

"Harry?" Zayn asked slowly, carefully. Liam and he shared a gaze, worried. The lust was momentarily forgotten, instead they were just worried about the boy they called a friend. They had only known each other for a short amount of time, but in a place like this, forced to live together, you learn to care about the others. So the boys had grown close, they felt like they'd known each of the others for years and not only for days.

"Hazza, what's up?" Liam asked gently, patting Harry's shoulder.

"GET AWAY FROM ME!" Harry screamed, shoving the brown haired boy away furiously before falling into his old position.

Liam stumbled backwards and Zayn caught him in his arms. They looked at each other and while Harry cried into the shirt he was now clutching to his chest tightly, they had one of their silent conversations. The ones in which you know what the other thinks, this kind of conversation. They knew what the other one thought, they didn't need words anymore. Harry didn't spend any attention to them, not even when both boys mumbled in unison,

"Louis"

Harry felt helpless and oh so lonely. He couldn't understand why he was being like that. He got so weak during the last week. And he had never missed anyone's company, he was used to being alone. But right now, he wished that he hadn't shoved Louis away. It wasn't even an hour ago and he already missed him and felt fucking guilty about what he had done and said. He had hurt the only boy that really cared for him. And now he was away as well.

In the end, Harry would end alone, just like always.

"Harry" Zayn sat down on the edge of Harry's bed carefully. "Calm down, please. Hey, it's alright. Louis is already on his way."

Harry didn't believe the Bradford boy's soothing words. He had hurt Louis, the older boy would never ever save him. He wasn't worth it. Harry wasn't worth Louis' attention, his friendship, or whatever had been developing between them. Louis would never carea bout him enough to do that - nobody did.

Who would love a broken boy?

The door banged open only once more and Louis ran inside. He was pale, his eyes and nose a little puffy and red, his hair was completely messed and he was a bit out of breathe (because he ran all the way from where Liam had found him to the house). Zayn stood up again, looking at the older boy helplessly.

"It's alright, I'm here now" Louis muttered to Zayn, smiling lightly at him. The black haired nodded slowly before leaving, closing the door behind him. Meanwhile, Harry just laid there crying, not mentioning anything. Louis watched him for a couple of seconds before he simply stepped over to his bed, crawling onto the mattress and hugging the younger yet taller boy.

Instantly, Harry turned around and cuddled into Louis' chest. He came back to him. Harry inhaled his best mate's sweet scent, calming down just by smelling him. He didn't know why he did that, minutes earlier he didn't want to hear the name Louis Tomlinson ever again. But he just couldn't help it.

"I-I-I-I'm s-so so-sorr-rry" Harry stuttered out between his sobs.

"It's OK love. Everything's alright. I know you didn't mean it. Just stop crying, please. Harry, you're safe now, nobody's gonna do anything to you as long as I'm there. C'mon" Louis' voice was the most soothing sound Harry had ever heard. The words that were mumbled into his ear so sweetly were helping. He calmed down now just because the older boy was here, holding him tight.

And suddenly, while the tears stopped ever so slowly, he recognized one thing that would change everything in the end: he was falling in love with Louis William Tomlinson. And while he had been supposed to change, while he had until now had had so many doubts, even new ones today, settled from the stuff here in the camp, there wasn't any way now anymore. After all, when he learned one thing, then that he had to listen to his heard and nothing else. And, honestly, his heart was now only screaming one simple thing.

"Lou?"

Louis' beautiful fingers gently caressed his back. "Yeah Haz?"

Harry pulled back a little bit, only enough to look into those deep blue orbs. "I really am sorry. I shouldn't have said it." He said.

Louis' lips twitched upwards, forming a sad little smile. "It's OK. We are OK, aren't we?"

Harry didn't hesitate before he nodded. "I need you, Boo Bear"

Louis ran his fingers through Harry's curls gently. "And I am there. Promise" he said, and Harry believed him. He really knew that Louis wouldn't let him down, no matter how insecure or even mad Harry was about himself. For a moment, just the for the tiniest of moments, he wondered how it would be like to kiss Louis now. He wondered how those lips, this perfect pink curve of lips, would feel on his own.

He didn't do it though. He just couldn't. Louis had to do the first step, he was too much of a coward when it came to things like that. Well, when it came to socializing in any form. But Louis didn't lean in; instead he just pulled Harry in for another hug. And the green eyed boy didn't really know whether that was the better choice, but he wouldn't complain. And he liked Louis' hugs.

"Can you tell me what happened?" Louis asked after they parted and sat up. Harry felt calm now, this time for real. He felt exhausted, but he didn't want to have a nap or something. He knew that when sleep came, the nightmares would accompany it.

"It's complicated. I don't think I'm ready to tell you. It's not that I don't want to tell you or that I don't trust you enough. But I've never told anybody ever before." He admitted, fiddling with his fingers, staring down at those nervous movements.

Louis gently brought his hand between Harry's, stilling Harry's fingers with entwining theirs and holding his hand clutched tightly. "I will wait." Louis murmured, while both boys stared down at their entwined fingers. Louis' were small, slender and tanned while his were long, skinny and pale. They were so different and yet they slotted together perfectly, like they were made for each other. He ignored the doubts in his head, he ignored all the shadows, because honestly, what did he carea bout the others' thoughts? With Louis he could stand everything.

"Thank you so much" Harry mumbled.

"My pleasure, Hazza-bear" Louis murmured back. They smiled lightly and then stayed silent for a while, simply getting lost in each other's being. It was so easy to be with Louis. Louis made him comfortable. Other people never made him comfortable.

"You're really not angry?" Harry wondered after some time.

Louis shook his head. "You hurt me, but I forgave you. You mean a lot to me, and I promised you I won't let you leave." he said. "I know what those people do to you. They reveal your darkest secrets and then destroy you with them. You have to be very very strong to stand that."

"You made it" Harry stated.

Louis shook his head once more. "I built myself up again. I was shattered to pieces, but I had somebody who helped me to stand up again." He leant his head on Harry's shoulder. Harry was sure that the position Louis was in right now wasn't comfortable at all. And his shoulder was that bony, that couldn't be a nice feeling at all. "And I'll be that somebody for you."

Harry smiled lightly. "Sounds good"

"I know" Louis chuckled. "How about we join the others in the pool? I guess Liam and Zayn really need some time alone."

Harry shrugged. "If you don't mind that I don't swim."

Louis smirked. "I'd really like to see you without a shirt on" he teased him, a cheeky sparkle in his eyes. That expression really suited him.

Harry blushed, lowering his gaze. "There's not much to see" he muttered self-consciously. He didn't feel pretty or handsome or beautiful or whatever guys were called. He was just pale and lanky and he had four nipples and that wasn't nice at all what he had under his shirts.

"I'm sure there is. You're more than just wank-worthy" Louis let out one of his most adorable giggles, showing a meaning behind those words that Harry didn't really want to know if he was honest.

He blushed darker. So Louis had wanked over him? As embarrassing as it was, it still had some hotness. He thought it was hot, somehow. "How did you get that surreal thought? Did you drive crazy?" he asked.

Louis grinned. "Look at you! You're fucking hot!" he said, the fingers of his free hand running through Harry's unruly curls down his cheek to his lower lip, stroking over it.

"If I'm hot, what are you then? A Greek sex god? Harry teased him back; his heart pounded hard and everything besides Louis was forgotten.

Louis blushed slightly himself now, and it was just oh so adorable. "Yeah, 'course" he mumbled. Their eyes met and the world around them zoomed out. Harry's eyes darkened when Louis' thumb traced his lips once more. Now they were leaning in ever so slowly.

They would kiss now, they would kiss right now … only one inch …

"HARRY! Are you alright again?!"


	10. Chapter 10

_"HARRY! Are you alright again?!"_

Harry and Louis jerked away from each other. Harry was blushing deep red and Louis looked like he was just awoken from a daydream. Well, both were quite a reasonable reaction when Ed came into the house. The ginger head was a good friend to Harry, he was already a little bit comfortable around him. But right now, he just wanted to kill him. All he wanted to do was kissing Louis. And now he came here, banging into this room and literally destroying everything. It was annoying.

Ed looked at him with those huge grey eyes and he seemed surprisingly worried. Harry had a little smile still tugging on his lips. "Yeah, thanks, mate" he murmured. Then he let his gaze lay on Louis. He sat behind him kind of awkward, his fingers running through his beautiful soft brown hair. Their eyes met, and Louis smiled lightly at him. It made Harry's heart bounce a little, but his head was buzzing with thoughts yet again. He was so confused.

"Good to hear, man" Ed said. "Well, wanna join us at the pool now? It's nice out there."

Harry licked his lips where he could still feel Louis' thumb stroking over it. He wanted that kiss, he wanted to feel it. He really did. But he still couldn't quite accept it. He wanted to become straight for his parents' liking, and this thing that his therapist had done just yet had scared him out of his mind. He couldn't help it but feel incredibly insecure about the whole situation. He needed to think so badly, he had to sort all his feelings out.

But right now he couldn't. He had to show his mates - and Louis - that he was being OK again, that he just had a huge freak-out. So he smiled fondly at Ed, randomly squeezing Louis' knee before standing up. "'course, why not? I definitely need some distraction."

Louis stood up, too, and his had casually found its way to the small of Harry's back - it felt right there. Harry liked it to feel that steady hand on his back; it was giving him the strength he wasn't sure he could afford. "And we are the best distraction ever" he said. Harry and him shared another gaze - they were the only ones that knew that Louis didn't mean it that way it sounded like. They weren't all too pleased that their first kiss was interrupted by the London radio host.

"Fantastic, boys!" Ed cheered and then threw his arms around both Harry's and Louis' shoulders. What meant that he was walking between the two when they left.

_Wow,_ Harry thought, _and the award to the best cock block in this camp goes to Ed Sheeran._ He just ignored that he had been an even bigger cock block just minutes ago when he had disturbed Zayn and Liam in the middle of their snogging session …

"It's quite the roller coaster of emotion in this camp, isn't it?" Ed wondered.

Harry only frowned while Louis let out a laugh. Surprisingly, Harry could tell that he wasn't as amused as he played. "Yeah, that's sick."

Louis Tomlinson was the best actor in the world, for sure. Harry wasn't sure whether he really showed his true self to them. He trusted him though because it seemed like Louis wasn't pulling a show off when he was with him.

"I'm so happy when I'm finally out here" Ed sighed. "They need me at home" He let go of their shoulders again when they reached the pool. Niall was swimming his lines, silently diving through the water. He was obviously a good swimmer.

"I don't wanna go home" Louis admitted. He was looking at Harry again, smiling ever so slightly and almost a little sadly, and Harry understood: Louis didn't want to go because that meant leaving him. It was so cute, no matter how red his cheeks grew from that little move.

Harry himself said nothing; he didn't know what he wanted. He wanted to make his parents proud. He wanted to go home and show them that they had a good son. But he wanted Louis even more. He wanted to let him in, hold him close. He wanted to be with him.

It was so fucking confusing and hard and …

"There you are!" Niall came to a hold at the edge of the pool, wearing only a pair of grey-black swimming trunks. His body was all pale and slender, glistening with droplets. Admittedly he was quite fit, but Harry didn't even take the time to look any further - another boy was on his mind.

So he just murmured a little "Hi Nialler" with a smile tugging on his lips.

"How are you, mate?" The Irish one asked.

"Good again, thanks" Harry answered, and then a grin spread on his face when he got a great idea to answer him. "Had some nice little prince saving me" He didn't know where it came from, but he even winked at Louis, owning that super-adorable giggle from the older boy.

"Awww Haz" he replied, his cheeks reddening. "That's not true." He was cute like that.

Harry had the big urge to go to Louis, hold him close and kiss that soft perfect skin of his face where he was blushing right now. He didn't do it even though he knew that Louis or the boys would stop him from anything. But they could be watched. Well, they were being watched basically everywhere, but you could see the pool from the office what meant that the risk was even higher.

"It is." Harry assured Louis, still smiling brightly, his dimples showing.

Ed slid into the water instantly, joining the blond one. But Niall wasn't thinking of continuing his activities straight away.

"Where are Liam and Zayn?" he wondered.

Louis chuckled. "Probably fucking in a dark corner" he said, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. To every watcher it would just be a silly joke of hormone-filled teenagers, but even though the four boys snickered away at that, they knew that it was probably true.

Harry sat down beside the pool, taking of his shoes and socks and pulling up the legs of his jeans so that he could let his feet hang into the water.  He didn't do more - he didn't like swimming because he had to show his body to everyone then. And this wasn't good at all. He was pale and lanky, covered in scars. He didn't want anyone to see those.

Louis didn't ask, he just sat down beside Harry, even though he was wearing swimming trunks like the other guys, ready to just jump in (well, besides the shirt, but you can swim with shirts too, so yeah). It was strange that he was still so close to him after what happened just an hour ago. Harry had called him so many names, he had hurt him so much. But still Louis was here, he was still giving his best to Harry and he was always trying to make him smile and gain just a little bit more of his trust.

And oh, how Harry loved that.

"They're cute" Ed said, floating on his back, his eyes closed. He was talking about Zayn and Liam, obviously. "But they have to be careful."

Niall splashed some water in Harry's and Louis' direction, not hitting them with it. "Everyone has to be careful here."

Harry blushed ever so slightly while Louis laughed it off. "Mind your own business, Nialler!" he said. In the same second he was smirking at Harry, bumping their shoulders together. Harry smiled a little brighter at that. The gesture was cute and reassuring. He liked it how Louis cared.

"Yeah, 'course" Niall laughed. "And I'm the fucking king of China!"

Ed splashed water into the blonde's face. "Oh, your highness, I'm so sorry!" he mocked him.

Niall glared at his mate playfully. "Oh believe me, you're going to be sorry." And the two in the water started wrestling around, Harry and Louis watching them with a sly smile. They were so carefree and funny, it was so great just to watch them. Harry liked seeing other people happy, that was just the way it is.

"They're cute" Louis laughed.

"Childish" Harry added, but he still had a smile in his eyes. "It's amusing to watch"

Louis nodded and they stayed silent for some moments before he spoke up again, "You sure you don't wanna join?"

Their feet were lazily moving through the water and that was more than enough, so Harry shook his head. ""Nah, sorry"

"Mind if I go in though?" Louis smiled. "Just wanna cool down a bit"

Harry shrugged, smiling at the other boy. "I don't mind. I mean, I get to see you almost naked, so …" He grinned. Wow, he was being cheeky. That was a new thing. He'd never been cheeky before. Just another first of all the things Louis was giving him. Louis was doing him good.

Louis laughed, "Well, true" And he ruffled Harry's curls playful before taking his shirt off.

Harry watched him when he stood to his feet, all tanned skin and long, slender muscles. Oh god, he was hot. Well, Harry had known that Louis was totally fit before. But now … he wasn't one of these boys whose abs were clearly defined, like Liam for example. But you could see that he was an athlete - well, a great footballer - and working out quite often.

And he looked like he just came from one of the Caribbean Islands or Spain or somewhere else where it was all sunny and warm and you were laying in the sun basically all day. His skin was tanned and flawless, shining golden in the sun.

Harry didn't know where it came from, but suddenly the thought was in his mind that Louis was damn delicious. Suddenly, he wanted to taste his skin, je wanted to enjoy the feeling of the soft skin under his tongue and between his teeth.

Whoa, well, those thoughts were definitely not suitable.

He flushed again, only ever so slightly, but he didn't stop watching. He would never stop watching until someone mentioned or told him to stop. Shit, he knew he shouldn't have these thoughts. But Louis was a fucking Greek god when he was standing there like that. He shouldn't think about him in any sexual way. But he did, and since Louis had just admitted that he was doing the same about him, that shouldn't be much of a problem anymore, should it?

And that lead to the question if they'd ever be together. Not only in that way, not only having sex - but like really being together, being a couple. They lived so far away from each other and his parents would hate him. Even if they would try it here - it was basically impossible to get some classic alone time here. The best example were just Liam and Zayn right now, they had to fight for a good sex session the whole day.

Did he even want to have sex with him? Yeah, he wanted to have sex with Louis, definitely, that wasn't the question. Somewhere deep down Harry was just a horny teenager like all the others. But he didn't like being touched and he was sure he could never let anybody … take him like that again. Like, enter him. Fuck him. Whatever. Yet alone thinking about it was scary.

Luckily, Harry was now shaken out of his thoughts from water splashing on him like rain when Louis jumped into the water with a loud happy cry. Of course Louis had done this on purpose. Of course he had more or less showered him on purpose. Of fucking course.

"LOU!" Harry cried out.

Louis laughed happily where he was just coming to the surface again, shaking his hair out of his face. "Sorry not sorry" he swam towards Harry again, ignoring the two boys in the pool like Harry was. Ed and Niall probably made a lot of noise, but they didn't need that now anymore.

"You soaked me all over!" Harry complained.

Louis shrugged, smiling wickedly. "I'm still trying to get you in here."

Harry smirked. "You won't succeed, believe me" he said, never letting his eyes off Louis.

Now there were water droplets glistening on his skin and with his hairs pulled out of his face like this he really looked like a 20-year old man, no longer like a boy (even though he kept behaving like one). And god, this was even sexier. He looked like a sexgod and so perfect and oh so gorgeous in general. He wished they were alone and unwatched because then nothing would stop Harry from pulling Louis into him and snogging his beautiful face off.

"Do you really think so?" Louis challenged him, his hands grabbing Harry's ankles, ready to simply yank him down into the water.

"Yep" Harry had a winning grin on his lips. Louis would never dare pulling him into the water. "I've got my phone and my ipod with me. You don't want to fuck them up!"

Louis cursed, letting go of Harry's legs again, instead pointing to him with his index finger. "This time you win, Styles, but there'll be another time. Revenge is sweeter than anything, baby."


	11. Chapter 11

_That smile. That beautiful dazzling smile. He loves it. He loves him. Those eyes. So deep and blue and shining. He loves them. He loves him. Louis. He is so precious, so pure, so perfect. There he is, in all his overwhelming beauty. He stands in the light, and he's coming closer._

_"Hi Lou" he says when he reaches him._

_But suddenly, the smile is away. This isn't Louis. Not at all. Louis' eyes aren't as grey and dull. Louis has no greyish buzz cut. He isn't as broad. The light fades. Louis is away. He has left him. Stuck in darkness. Back there._

_"Welcome home, Harry"_

_The sound of that voice sends shivers down his spine. He's his old self, that helpless eight year old again. The fear is back. The loneliness. Louis can't save him. Where's Louis? Please don't do anything to him. That man shouldn't hurt Louis. He shouldn't hurt him._

_No. No. Don't touch. It's his own voice, high and fearful. Don't touch me. Don't hurt me._

_The pain is back. Oh the pain. Hot and heavy. Unbearable._

_No. No. No. Leave me alone._ _Save me. Someone out there. Save me. No. No. No. Don't touch me. Save me. Louis. Help. Save me._

 

Harry awoke with a choked sob, sweaty and shaking. There it was. The nightmare he had waited for. He hadn't had a single nightmare since he'd come here. And he was used to have nightmares like every fucking night. He thought he was finally over this. But now, here he was, scared and panting and …

"Haz? Babe, you OK there?"

Harry jumped at Louis' hushed voice. He looked up out of where he had buried his face into his palms and was met by blue worried eyes. His racing heartbeat calmed down almost instantly and he didn't even try to hide the tears of fear when they dwelled up.

"Come here" Louis murmured, opening his arms for him.

Harry instantly crawled into Louis' bed and under the covers with him. Even though the bunk was too tiny for two grown-ups like them, Louis didn't complain but welcomed him gladly. Harry cuddled into Louis' chest. He was crying once more, shaken by silent sobs, and Louis held him tight, caressing his curls and back.

The nightmare was so wrong - Louis would never leave, he would always be there. He would help him to fight the demons inside his head. This knowledge helped a lot. Harry held Louis close, clinging onto him for dear life. He was so thankful for that beautiful boy that was always there for him.

"It was just a nightmare, babe. Calm down. Shh, it's alright. Nobody's going to hurt you. I won't leave, I'm here." Louis murmured soothingly somewhere near Harry's ear, his lips pressing onto his temple.

Harry was still shivering from the memories of the nightmare, no matter how much he knew that it had been just a dream. And so he wasn't really listening to Louis. He just needed more proof. "You won't leave, like, ever?" Harry whispered, nuzzling his nose into the crook of Louis' neck. His smell was intoxicating yet soothing, he was easily calming down now that Louis held him. Louis was here. Louis wasn't a monster like his rapist, not like the dream could've wanted to make him believe. Whatever had made him dream that. That thought was just so surreal.

"I won't. Never. No matter how far you try to shove me away." Louis promised.

Harry pulled back just a little, looking at him. Drowning into those pools of blue, he took a deep breath. A trace of a smile, loving and a little bit sad, tugged on Louis' lips. He was so beautiful. Harry slowly lifted his fingers and caressed Louis' face gently, like a blind boy trying to mesmerize every single spot of skin, every curve and line.

Louis closed his eyes and sighed, leaning into the touch. Harry smiled lightly, watching him like the precious thing he was.

"You are so beautiful" Harry whispered.

Louis' eyes shot open and he jerked away from Harry's touch while he looked at the other boy shocked and defeated. "No, I'm not."

There was this side of Louis again, the side Harry didn't know at all. Louis hid this side quite well, but sometimes it was just coming to the surface. Sometimes it was there just for the blink of an eye, but now, now it was here, and it didn't disappear again. Harry's hand still rested on his cheek, gently caressing it.

"You are the most perfect person I've ever seen." Harry told him.

Louis shook his head. He looked so sad and fragile in this moment and Harry understood now what Louis had meant. He had been broken, he probably still was. Louis had mentioned that his life been hard once or twice. Now Harry saw just how much this had affected that beautiful young man.

"Tell me" Harry whispered softly. He wanted to help Louis to forget everything, to get over it. He knew how shitty it was to be hunted by the shadows of his past.

Louis bit his lip, and Harry kind of saw himself in this utterly insecure gesture. Suddenly the roles were swapped. Suddenly Harry was the strong one.

Louis didn't explain anything. He just showed Harry his bare forearms (which wasn't really easy in this tiny bunk, but he still somehow managed it). At first, Harry didn't understand: what could those toned arms change about his perfection? And then he saw. He saw those thin lines, barely even visible anymore.

His chest and his throat tightened at that sight. Oh shit. So Louis had self-harmed. The scars were old, he must've been three or four years younger than he was now. Sixteen, seventeen, probably. Harry could practically see the picture of a younger, skinnier and paler version of Louis with scrunched up shoulders and pulled down long sleeves. It made him sad. Why did Louis do that? Who did this to him? Who triggered him like this?

Then Louis turned upwards, palms upwards, and Harry's breathe hitched. There was this one scar over the whole length of his forearm, crossing all the small thinner ones. He had tried to kill himself. Harry fought back the tears only once again. Whoever did things that made Louis desperate enough to do this, Harry instantly started hating them.

He lowered his head now and before one of them even knew what Harry was doing, his lips pressed onto the skin of Louis' arm, kissing that scar.

A shiver ran down Louis' whole body. "Haz -"

"You're still perfect, no matter what they said or what they say." Harry interrupted him softly. "Every scar is just another reason to call you beautiful." There was a short break where Louis just stared at Harry with huge blue eyes, filled with tears, but also with relief and love and thankfulness. "I wonder why, though" Harry admitted then.

Louis shrugged, his gaze focussing on Harry's upper chest again. "Life was hard and worthless. And after I got out of the hospital, my parents sent me here for the first time. I was so broken back then. I was not that different from you know, just that I hadn't had anybody to keep me sane. I was alone and they shattered me to pieces. I got back home supposedly straight and visited a new school because on my old school, they had bullied me and they wouldn't stop even after I tried to end it all. That's where I met Eleanor, my best friend. She helped me a lot, you know. She made me OK again and with her I fought all my insecurities and all the people who made me like this. El taught me to love myself again and she helped me to become myself again. You can blame her while I get here again and again - she gave me quite some strength and self-confidence."

In the end, Louis was smirking and looking up again, and Harry returned that smile only all too gladly. "So I have to thank her eventually." He muttered, only half-joking.

"Yeah, I guess so" Louis gave back silently.

Harry hesitated, but he knew that Louis wouldn't get angry at him and that was why he asked the next question. "Is that the reason why you are helping me?" Harry asked.

Louis shook his head frantically. "No! I mean, I know how important help is, but I do this because I - 'cause I - I really really like you." He took Harry's hand, blushing ever so slightly, and entwined their fingers. They both laid in silence for a while, simply cuddling with tangled limbs and soft breathes, drinking in each other's presence.

Harry couldn't quite grasp it. Louis had been depressive, self-harming, and suicidal? His Louis? The Louis he knew was happy, funny and oh so self-confident, almost cocky, and he loved his life. He was so cute and crazy most of the time, he loved life. And this boy, this young man, should've been down like him, even worse? He couldn't believe it. But there were all those scars spluttering over that besides that flawless skin.

Oh his Louis. There were so many shades of him, so many parts of his being that Harry didn't know. The young lad realized only once more that he barely knew that boy. But still, he trusted him like he had never trusted anyone. Not only this. He was falling for him, like really falling in love with him. It didn't matter if he had scars or even cuts or whatever. With this, a new thought came into his mind. And it fucking scared him.

"Are there still things that trigger you?" Harry asked shyly, looking at Louis with those huge green eyes that still reminded of a small boy.

Louis shrugged. "Of course I'm not always excellently happy, but I would never do it again."

And suddenly there was the urge to kiss him again. Harry just wanted to pull him in, hold him close while capturing those perfect pink lips with his own.

"You're staring" Louis whispered softly.

"I know" Harry gave back, waiting a second before continuing, "Can I kiss you?"

"Please" Louis breathed.

Once again, Harry cupped Louis' cheek. The soft skin was broken with a slight _beautiful_ morning stubble and it felt good and oh so right underneath his fingertips.

Louis free hand rested on his hip, caressing the pale flesh between the hem of his sleeping shirt and the waistband of his boxers.

They slowly leaned in, their eyes flicking from the other's eyes down to their lips and back up again. They were enjoying this moment and everything that made it that special: the feeling of the other's breathing on their faces, the warmth of the other's body underneath that blanket, every single little detail.

They were about to kiss, Harry once again realized. None of the other boys in their house would mention since they were fast asleep. No one would see the two in that little bunk and, even more important, no one would disturb them. It was only Harry and Louis in the soothing darkness around them. And it would be perfect. Harry could already imagine his taste and now, now he would find out …

_BEEEP BEEEP BEEEP_

Shit, the alarm. The boys would wake up now!

Both jolted away from each other, definitely disappointed and partly annoyed. Louis grumbled something not understandable and Harry just blushed - not unlike the past afternoon.

"Ed!" Niall grumbled sleepily across the room.

The London lad snored.

_BEEEP BEEEP BEEEP_

"ED!" Niall shouted.

Still, the redhead was soundly asleep.

"Turn the damn alarm off!" Zayn snapped from above Harry's bunk.

_BEEEP BEEEP BEEEP_

"Niiiaaaalll!" Louis whined.

"But Ed's closer!" Niall complained.

"And he's sleeping" Liam grumbled.

"So just turn it the fuck off" Zayn added annoyed.

Harry sighed deeply, hiding his face in Louis' shirt.

_BEEEP BEEEP BEE- THUMPH!!_

"OW! FUCKING SHIT!" Niall screamed, obviously in pain.

"Oh shit. Shit shit shit shit shit!"

Well, at least Ed was awake now.


	12. Chapter 12

_BEBEEP BEBEEP BEBEEP_

Harry was overwhelmed by what had happened in the last hour. Niall fell off the bed in the attempt to turn off the alarm. He hurt his wrist and knocked his head on the beside table, with an ugly and bleeding wound on his forehead. It happened much too fast to react quickly. Well, at least Ed was awoken with a jolt from the sound of Niall hitting the floor when chaos erupted in their room. Not that he was happy about the reason.

Indeed, Harry could’ve sworn that the London boy was the most upset about Niall’s fall.

Ed held Niall in a sitting position, pressing a towel onto the wound with shaking fingers, trying to stop the blood and holding the boy awake. He mumbled hell of a lot nonsense into Niall’s ear, and his eyes maybe glistened a little bit too much than normal. Louis and Liam rushed off to get the camp people, complete with payama pants, bare feet and ruffled sleep hair. Not that they cared. Or anybody else. This was about Niall. Zayn filled a bucket (wherever he got it from) with icy water to cool Niall's wrist. He gently put it inside and used a washcloth to spread the water where Niall’s arm wasn’t inside. Harry was at first just frozen to the spot. But he couldn’t just sit there and do nothing. He knew that. So he collected a few of Niall's things and shoved them into Niall's bag - he couldn't do anything else. Everybody did what they could do best and even more because this was Niall and Niall was kind of everybody’s baby and even though he wasn’t the youngest, it had still felt like it. Kind of.

The camp people were there almost instantly. They didn’t ask no questions – apparently Louis and Liam had told them what mattered - and carried Niall into the main building. And of course, of fucking course, Niall passed out on the way there. It was fucked up and didn’t let them feel any better at all. The other boys hurried to put on some proper clothes - it was a silent agreement between them that they wouldn't let Niall alone now. He was one of them and they maybe only met a week ago, but they were friends now and they belonged together and they wouldn’t let him down. They owed him.

While they were around each other, they were silent and frowns were tugging on their faces. They didn’t need to communicate to know that every one of them thought the same things. This shit was honestly and totally fucked up. And every one of them blamed themselves; they had been the one to tell Niall to get up and turn off the alarm. Louis could’ve done it, or Zayn, Liam or Harry. Every one of them could’ve just gotten up and turned off that freaking clock. But they didn’t because they were too lazy and now Niall had to pay for it. It sucked. It really sucked.

But Harry liked to see the positive side of it. Niall had a chance now. While the others were struck here, he was out of it. He had a chance to escape. He could get away from the homophobes and the strange spiritual shit. He could continue his life, he could leave this hell of a place and return home. Well, he had a severe concussion and his wrist was destroyed, probably he wouldn’t be able to play the guitar for weeks. But he was out of here and for Harry, that was the spark of hope that he needed.

After less than five minutes the boys were in the main building with their friends. They were all wearing beanies (“They’re for bad hair days and today is totally one” Louis had said) and Harry was clutching onto Niall’s bag. They stood around the couch they put him on and waited, even though the camp people obviously weren’t happy about the boys being there. They weren’t leaving. Not now and not anytime soon.

The ambulance, however, was there in about twenty minutes. It sucked really a lot that this camp was at the far end of the world. No, really. It was totally fucked up. Harry hated it more with every second they were here. And now it got even worse because Niall needed fucking help and he couldn’t get it on time because they were too far away from the next civilization.

The two men ushered the boys away in the corner, where they were silently watching what they were doing. Harry felt the sudden, strong urge to curl into Louis, but he couldn’t do. They would be dead before they stopped hugging, really. But they stood just a little bit too close, their shoulders touching. They all did. Liam and Zayn were huddled close like they didn’t have no space to be not pressed up against one another and Ed was just inbetween all of them, close to Harry and close to Liam.

After a few minutes of anxious waiting, the men looked up and announced they would have to take Niall to the hospital. It was too dangerous not to let him here like this. They needed to check both his head and his wrist further.

"We won't let him leave alone!" Louis said, crossing his arms in front of his chest, the moment they started preparing Niall for the transport. His eyes were cold as they stared at the woman from the camp. Harry couldn’t remember her name right now, but it wasn’t further important.

"We can't let you go with him." The woman answered calmly, coldly. She didn’t care. Neither about the boys standing there nor about the unconscious Niall.

"Why not?" Liam glared at her. He was furious, of course he was. He wasn’t good at containing his emotions. "Are you scared that we're running away from you?"

The woman gaped at them. She didn’t understand. She didn’t understand anything.

"We will not let our friend down!" Zayn said before she could answer. Harry had never seen him like that. He’d always seemed pretty laid back, like he didn’t care at all. But today was a day that took a lot from all of them. "So you better let us go with him."

The man who from the ambulance stepped in now as well. "You know, it's actually a good idea when they come with us, at least today. Mr Horan will be glad to have some company with him." He talked carefully and gently, very very politely. The woman stared at him too, now. It was funny.

Harry had to hold back a smirk. This man was their hero, their saviour. He knew that if it was only the boys against the staff they wouldn’t leave the camp until the end of the weeks and their parents came to pick them up. But with the support of that man, they could make it out of here. It was a triumph. A big one.

So in the end, they left with the ambulance, just in another car. Well, the camp van. They were squished into the backseats, Zayn and Liam in the back and Louis, Harry and Ed in the middle row. There was a lot of tension in the air, but they weren’t talking it out. Ed was the palest of them all – well, he was ginger, but still. He was blaming himself the most, Harry could tell. And he couldn’t do anything but give his knee a reassuring squeeze. It sucked.

If the drive was shit already, the hospital was even worse. They were told to sit down in the waiting room and, well, wait for Niall to be finished with his check-ups. Harry just wanted to curl up into Louis' chest. He had once read that for a girl, a boy's chest was her safe place. Did that mean that he was a girl? Because to him, Louis' chest was definitely his safe place. He wanted to hide there for all the time that they would need to get out of there.

 

They could do nothing else than sitting here and waiting. Harry would go crazy if they had to wait any longer. They’d been here for two hours already. How long did they need to check him over once? It was just his head and his wrist, for god’s sake. It was nothing that would take them that long, he was sure. And all that waiting was driving them crazy. Ed was pacing up and down nervously, Zayn was off getting coffee because they all needed it and Harry just sat there between Louis answer Liam. They were tense and nervous, not really sitting still after all that time.

“He’s gonna be just fine” Liam said only once more. Harry didn’t know how often one of them had said that in the last hours, just to silence the fears in their heads. Not that they could lessen as long as the doctors hadn’t spoken to them. Liam looked at Ed with those dark eyes, and you could tell that he’d had to fight some tears back on their way to the hospital. His eyes were reddened, a little swollen, even though they still weren’t as bad as Ed’s.

It seemed like the first time the Wolverhampton boy actually really didn’t know what to do or what to say.

“But what if he’s not?” Ed half whimpered, half snapped. He was on edge, like all of them. “He needs his hand, y’know? What if he won’t be able to use it anymore? Or what if his concussion is too bad?” That was new. It was what every one of them was thinking, but Ed was the only one who’d been brave enough to speak it out aloud.

Liam stood up and, to all of their surprise, pulled Ed into a tight hug. The two of them weren’t exactly the closest in the camp, and Liam wasn’t that affectional. “It’s gonna be fine, alright? _He’s_ gonna be fine. Calm down, you don’t help him when you break down here.” He patted Ed’s back brotherly when he pulled away again.

Harry watched this scene and suddenly he realised something: these guys were more of a family than he had back home in Holmes Chapel. Louis was Louis, that didn’t need more explanations - Lou was the best that ever happened to Harry. ZaynandLiam weren’t exactly the loudest guys, mostly kind of in their own shell, but they were just fine the way they were and he trusted them like brothers (that picture was kind of weird since they were together and Harry couldn’t imagine them any other way ‘cause these boys were just inseparable and so cute). And Ed was amazing, Harry got along well with the London ginger head. Usually he was the calm one, always the leader and the oldest. But Niall was the small one if the group, the baby, so nobody would blame him for his little freak out. They were all not exactly coping well because cute Niall with his hyper carefree behaviour didn’t deserve it to end in the hospital.

Harry maybe barely knew those guys for more than a week and he already didn’t want to be without them at all. Not anymore. They accepted him just how he was, and they made him fit in even with all his shyness and his awkwardness. And he wouldn’t be judged for what he had with Louis and what was developing between them. This was family, wasn’t it? This was the family he never had, the family he’d begged for in all those lonely nights.

“I’ve got coffee for you” Zayn came back with five plastic cups of hot coffee. He didn’t smile, and he didn’t look happy that he got it. He’s a coffee addict, he should be happy. But he wasn’t. Of course he wasn’t.

“Thanks pal” To be honest, Harry didn’t usually drink coffe. But he needed something to calm down his nerves and something to fill his stomach. They all needed something to calm down their nerves. They were worrying about Niall and no one of them really knew what exactly was up with their friend, why the doctors needed that long. But they didn’t need to know either as long as someone could tell them he’d be fine again.

They only needed to hear that.

Harry sipped on his coffee when he mentioned Louis staring into space. “You ok, Lou?”

Louis was so deep in thought, he didn’t react on what Harry said. Harry touched his shoulder and Louis snapped out of it. He even looked startled and his eyes were wide as if he’d been caught with something bad when they focused on the younger boy on his side.

“What is up LouLou?” Harry asked him gently, his hand not leaving Louis’ shoulder. He was concerned.

And a smirk ghosted over Louis’ face and Harry didn’t know whether he liked that new unnamed spark in Louis’ blue orbs. “I’ve got an idea.”

And Harry could tell straight away that, whatever it was, it was going to be big.


	13. Chapter 13

“You are crazy!” Ed exclaimed when Louis was finished telling his mates. They’d stuck their heads together, and Louis had whispered to them in a hushed voice, all of them listening intently. The eyes of all the boys had become bigger and bigger with Louis continuing and them understanding what he was saying, and now that he was finished Liam’s mouth was even hanging open while Zayn looked completely dumbstruck and Harry had a tiny little smile spreading over his features. Only the London ginger didn’t seem too impressed.

“That’s completely insane!” He sat back up, throwing his hands into the air. He looked furious, and Harry couldn’t understand why. What was so bad with that plan? He thought it was amazing.

“Why?” Zayn wanted to know and his voice was slightly raised. Nothing short to how loud he could get, but loud enough.

“Keep it down, guys” Louis warned them quickly. “We don’t wanna be heard.”

“The idea is amazing!” Harry could still see that Liam was exhausted and worried about Niall, but now there was a glint in his dark brown eyes again, a fire of desperate hope. They were locked into Zayn’s, and they obviously shared the same thoughts just like they shared that smile full of fondness in that moment. It was so easy to see how madly in love they were with each other, and how they were gaining new hope with what Louis had just suggested. Louis gave them the hope everyone else had taken from them, and now that they had it again, it was beautiful to see them glow again.

Harry couldn’t help but feel the fondness letting his heart swell. These two were the greatest couple he could ever be honoured to get to know.

Ed seemed exasperated. He let his fingers run through his hair with a wild expression on his face that didn’t suit him at all. Harry didn’t understand what was up. Ed was used to be laid-back about everything, the calm one in their group. “We can’t just leave! Think about everything that could happen. It’s too dangerous on the streets - you could get caught every time. What about your parents? What about the camp?” he said, angrily, even though he tried not to get too loud.

Harry thought about it, about what Louis had just said. The brown-haired boy had the idea that this was their chance to escape the fangs of the ugly stupid camp they were recently trapped in. The camp staff wasn’t that close to them, only just hovering somewhere else in the hospital, they could slip out of one of the back entries of the hospital and then just run, run, run. Louis had some money with him, they could get halfway to London with that – halfway to where a flat of an old friend of Louis’ was waiting on them where they could stay. He knew that because that boy had offered earlier; Louis had told Harry about Stan, who had been his childhood best friend and now tried to get Louis away from his parents whenever he could.

Even in his thoughts, the plan sounded insane. Probably Ed was right. Harry reckoned it was really more than just kind of crazy. But he’d had had enough, too. The camp was brutal and it was hell and he didn’t want to go back. He didn’t want to stay in his parents grasp anymore. He wanted to get away, and he wanted to get away with the closest friends he’d ever had. It was worth a try. Everything was better than giving up without a fight, Louis had taught him.

So the curly-haired boy looked up, wide green eyes set into a stern expression that would remind himself of his father if he could see it. “It won’t happen. We’ll be quick and the town’s big enough to hide and wait. Plus they would never come looking for us, they don’t care about us.”

“Haz’s right” Louis said. “The camp staff hates their jobs and the boys in the camp and they ave enough other shit to do than to look for a few runaways.” He looked determined and hopeful, like a leader had to look. In that moment, so Harry mused, Louis was the most beautiful creature to ever live. He looked at that delicate, perfect face in awe, and he just wanted to kiss him and entwine their fingers and just show everyone that Louis was his.

He couldn’t wait for the moment to be finally able to do so.

“This could be our last chance!” Liam argued, and he couldn’t hide his excitement, his hope. “Louis is right.” Harry was glad to see him like that. It was like life had been squeezed out of him in that camp, but now he was smiling and so gleeful and it just had to work, hadn’t it?

“You can’t do that, and I won’t, you hear me? It’s suicide.” Ed snapped.

Harry’s eyes flickered to Louis in worry that these words would trigger some bad reaction out of the other boy. But Louis didn’t even bat an eye.

“If you don’t want to come with us, then that’s your problem. We’ll be leaving, and we’ll be leaving right now.” Louis said. “You won’t tell them, will you?”

Everybody froze when they realized what a risk it would be to leave someone behind.

Ed looked at him in utter disbelief. “No! We’re friends, remember? I won’t ever destroy this for you. You –“ He swallowed. Suddenly his hard exterior changed and he just looked sad, guilty. The anger washed off his face when he watched the four younger males around him and the tenseness in his shoulders and back loosened, let him sag down. “See, I can’t leave here. But you can, and you deserve to be happy. I won’t hold you back and I won’t tell anyone. Just – please, be careful.”

Zayn looked at him intently. A lot of staring was going down in that moment in the circle of them. “It’s because of Niall, isn’t it?” he asked after a moment.

Ed blushed, and it was enough of an answer to all of them. Still, he muttered out a “He can’t be left all alone.” for an explanation. Harry smiled slightly, and he followed his intuition and hugged his mate.

“You’re a good man, Edward Sheeran” he whispered, and let go before the young man could even close his arms around the lanky frame of the youngest boy in their group.

“You don’t have that much time anymore. Run. I’ll be seeing you in London.”

“That’s a word.”

Then they ran.

Well, they didn’t exactly run, but they hurried. Louis was leading, Harry right beside him, Liam and Zayn just a step behind. They were tense, silent, nervous, hearts beating too fast, sneakers squeaking too loud on the linoleum floor.

It felt wrong to leave Niall and Ed behind, Harry thought. All six of them should’ve escaped, not just four. It was like leaving behind a part of them. But they couldn’t stay here just because Ed was too stubborn to risk something, because he didn’t want to leave Niall alone because he was nursing a crush on him. He had gotten along best in the camp itself - that was just how it was. Probably he wouldn’t feel too bad after all. Probably Niall and Ed would come out ok.

“Listen, as soon as we’re off the hospital ground, we run. We’ll split up, and then meet up in an hour or two at the train station – just ask yourself through, you’ll find it. We need to get away from here as soon as possible.” Louis declared. He was still sure of what they were doing, but Harry could as well hear the tense edge to his voice. He wanted to be strong for his friends, but in the end he was just as scared as all of them.

“Ok let’s do that.” Liam nodded.

Harry rubbed his palms over the sides of his thighs absently. They were sweaty and sticky and generally gross. He just wanted to get away from here. It took them three minutes to find an entry except the main entrance, and then it was another four minutes of anxious rushing around trying to get out of the park and away from it. It was taking them too long. The staff could already be out and looking for them.

They had to hurry.

Harry’s heart was beating too hard in his chest. He was already short to panting, and so, so nervous. He had never done anything that was against the will of his parents. He’d never rebelled against anything. And now, all of a sudden, he was slipping out of their hold. It terrified him, and it filled him with even more adrenaline than there was already rushing through his veins.

When they were finally on the street, they stopped.

“Good luck” Zayn squeezed Harry’s shoulder shortly, giving him a smile when they were about to part. They were only just standing there for a second, all four of them, watching each other. Harry couldn’t believe it. They almost did it. He could already smell the freedom.

“You too” Harry answered. “We’ll see you later”

They parted, and when they were walking, Louis took Harry’s hand, entwined their fingers. His fingers weren’t feeling any dryer than Harry’s. They smiled at each other, and Harry couldn’t say what he was thinking. There were much too many thoughts in his head underneath that mass of curs, and he couldn’t pinpoint or yet name them. It sucked, kind of. But it kind of fit, too. His life was a mess now, too.

And it felt good. He was free.

“Let’s run” Louis grinned.

Harry nodded, grinned back, and Louis tugged on his hand.

In the moment they took off, Harry heard the shout.

“Oi, where’re you going!? STOP!”

“Shit!” He had to let go of Louis’ hand and then they were both running like they were chased from a whole army of zombies waddling after them. The thing was, it wasn’t even that much of a difference, Harry thought with the best black humour he could afford. The camp staff were kind of like zombies – without working brain, without working anything.

“DON’T WAIT FOR US!” Louis cried loud enough for Zayn and Liam to hear when it was clear that the two women were, instead of splitting up, chasing after Louis and Harry. Harry was pretty sure he never in his life ran that fast. It felt a bit like flying, with the wind in his hair and his feet barely touching ground before setting off again.

It just didn’t feel as good.

“STOP IT, NOW!” The camp staff behind them screamed.

“Faster!” Louis just shouted, looking at Harry. “C’mon!”

Harry knew he had to force his body to do more. He wasn’t quick enough and the women were coming closer and closer. Louis slid around the corner of the block and Harry followed him blind. He didn’t know the city, but it didn’t matter. First, they had to get away. Then they could worry about where they were.

But it wasn’t easy. Louis had lead them into a small side-street. It was dirty and small and –

“LOU!”

There was a wall on the end of the street. They couldn’t escape, they were trapped. “No” Harry whispered, even though he was unaware of what he was saying. “No, no, NO!”

Louis tried climbing up the wall. It was old, and there were holes between the thick bricks where you could pull yourself higher and climb the wall. They didn’t know what was on the other side, but they didn’t hesitate to try it. Freedom was so close, so damn close. They wouldn’t give it up now.

Harry followed Louis, but he was a little slower than the other one. He wasn’t used to running a lot, and his lungs were heaving to give his muscles enough oxygen to keep working. Louis was a footballer, he was used to exercise. Harry wasn’t.

He had to make it. He kept himself going. He just had to get up there and jump down on the other side, like Louis was preparing to do, and then they would be free, because they would be off and disappeared before the camp workers would be over the wall as well. And then they would be safe and free and it would be amazing and he could be with Louis, finally could be with him.

“JUMP!” he cried up to Louis. There was just half a metre missing, just an arm’s length and he would be able to follow Louis down …

“GOTCHA!” Somebody gripped Harry’s ankle. He tried to fight them off, but there wasn’t just one hand, there were two, three, and four. He struggled, tried to get away. But it was senseless. They had him. He was lost.

The last chance of being free was destroyed from the hands tugging harshly on his leg.

“RUN LOUIS!” Harry shouted, looking up at Louis who had scrambled to help him. “GO AWAY!!”

“I won’t leave you” Louis gripped Harry’s arm tightly, keeping him from letting go, from giving up.

“Save yourself” Harry said. “Go and save yourself” He looked into those gorgeous blue eyes. He had never thought he could fall in love so quickly so hard.

The younger boy could see Louis’ heart breaking when he slowly let go, let Harry get pulled down. He didn’t want to. He didn’t want to let go, he didn’t want to break Louis’ heart. But he had no other chance. Only one of them could come out of here, and it definitely wouldn’t be Harry.

“I’ll find you. No matter what” Louis promised. Then he flung around, jumped, landed with a thud, and ran.

And Harry just stopped struggling, let himself be pulled back down.

The women were furious. “That will have serious consequences, boy.”


	14. Chapter 14

Harry didn’t know what he should be feeling. Probably, he should feel rejected. He should feel broken. He should feel lonely, guilty, hurt. He should be angry at him and the world, for being caught, for being stupid enough not to be able to escape. He thought he should be feeling a lot of things.

The strange thing was he didn’t. It was like his brain had just shut down and was now protecting him from the chaos that had to be in his head. He was trapped in the camp leader’s office once again, and it sucked. For a moment, for a few glorious minutes, he’d been free. Now he was back here, in the place of hell. He should feel like shit. He was just numb. The only thing possibly soothing him down was the realization that Liam and Zayn had made it, they were free. And Louis, too. Louis was finally freed from everything that had been haunting him here. He could be happy now.

That was worth being back here. Harry had always been told that it was foolish to sacrifice yourself for others. That’s what his father had always told him. That was why he had never played sports, because all the sports he would be willing to try were team sports where you had to sacrifice yourself for others, where you had to fight for others.

His father would be so angry at him for doing what he did. Not only that he had tried to run away, but he had saved his mates with getting caught. But Harry, strangely enough, didn’t mind that much. It was worth it. It was worth knowing that his friends were free, out of the hold of the stupid camp. It was worth knowing that they were on their way into their own life – on their way to London.

Plus, Harry still had Louis’ words in his ears. Louis would come, he would come and find him and then they would escape. Harry knew that he could only legally go away from home when he was finally eighteen. But that was only a few months away and he could survive that long in his family’s home as long as he knew that Louis was out there, waiting for him.

That was what kept him from simply crumbling when the leader of this stupid camp lectured him about responsibilities and consequences and .. Harry didn’t even know what that man was talking about, he wasn’t listening. He just stared at the wall, and waited for it to be over. He was told that his parents had been informed, that they would send someone to pick him up – they were too busy to do it on their own.

It was just as always. Nobody cared about him, but everybody expected him to be flawless. And then he would get shouted at and he would hate it and everything would suck so hard, but he couldn’t escape anymore. He had to wait for months. But at least now he had something to wait for. Finally there was some kind of hope. Even though he had to give up for now, he wouldn’t give up completely.

They made him pack his things when the headmaster was done shouting at him and pretending he was disappointed and not just angry that Harry hit one of his staff people in the face with his heel and she was sporting a black eye now. He reluctantly returned to their house. This would forever be the house he’d shared with the five best blokes in the world. This house, except being on the worst place in the world, was amazing and contained so many good memories.

Ed wasn’t there when Harry came in – he was still in the office, being asked questions about as though why he let his housemates get away with something like that. Harry knew that he would stay; they wouldn’t send him home like they did with him. To be honest, Harry was quite glad the other one wasn’t there. Of course, he liked Ed, because honestly, that guy was amazing. But this was the last time he would spend here, and he would rather spend it alone.

He slowly picked up his stuff, and mixed it with most of Louis’. He wanted to have a bit of him with him, and he knew that Louis wouldn’t be getting it back if he didn’t take it with him. Probably Harry shouldn’t be doing it – he shouldn’t be taking Louis’ clothes with him, his sweaters and shirts. But he did, and he did it without hesitation. He at least wanted to have something of him.

Because, Harry realized, they didn’t have a chance to get into contact except with utter luck. They didn’t have their mobile phones with them and hadn’t exchanged numbers – until this morning they had thought they would have another week together. When Harry thought about it, it sounded pretty far away: this morning, they had laid in bed, cuddled, talked about everything and nothing at all. They had been trapped, but somehow happy. And now everything was gone.

Louis was gone.

Soon, his suitcase was stuffed, and the room was utterly empty without the other boys there. It was strange, how much he was relying on all of them. They had become some kind of a family, even though they’d barely lived together for a week. He would miss them. He wouldn’t just miss Louis, but he would miss the happy feeling he got whenever he was watching Liam and Zayn together, he would miss Niall’s laughter dancing through the air and the way Ed’s fingers would always dance over the strings of his guitar, not even playing real songs but just strumming along to his thoughts or their conversation.

He couldn’t wait to be reunited with them.

A woman came inside, asked him to return to the main office – his driver was there. Harry sighed deeply and got up from where he had been hovering on the mattress of his bed, now blank and empty. His eyes slid over the interior of the room one last time, and he tried to memorize it as best as he could. He didn’t want to leave, not really. At least he would have Niall and Ed here. Back home, he would be on his own just once more.

He gripped his suitcase and dragged it outside, closing the door behind him. He didn’t leave a note, because why should he? Everything had been said, even though it had been rushed. He and Ed had said goodbye, and Niall … he was sorry, he was so sorry to just leave the Irish boy alone. But he couldn’t help it.

And the staff would throw every hint of him either way, so there was no point in leaving something.

He didn’t know the man who picked him up. It was some tall, slender man with grey hair and pale eyes, probably in his fifties, with an expensive black suit. He called him “Mr Styles”. So yeah, everything was going to be as it had been: his parents would stay away from him, he wouldn’t have any friends, and everybody would treat him like the son of a rich business man.

Harry silently got into the back of the car, a sleek black BMW, after packing the suitcase in the trunk, and stared out of the window without seeing anything when they made their way home. Even numbness could ache in his chest, he mentioned.

But in his mind, he wasn’t there in that car. In his mind, Harry was imagining what had happened if they would’ve both been able to get away from the camp. They would’ve jumped down that wall and then escape. On the train station, Louis and he would meet up with Zayn and Liam, and together they would buy train tickets and get to London somehow. On their way there, they wouldn’t have to hide anything. He could lean into Louis, hold his hand in public, and finally, finally kiss those perfect pink lips.

He still hadn’t done that, he realized. He still hadn’t kissed Louis. But if he would’ve been with him now, he totally would. He would snog the hell out of the smaller boy, not caring where they were. And Liam and Zayn would laugh at them but then they would compete in who was the better kisser until some old man or lady told them kindly but coldly to stop, they were being kind of too offensive for public transport there. They would laugh at it and then spend the rest of the journey talking about nothing at all, fantasizing about London, probably.

It would be perfect.

Then, when he was through with that imagination, he wondered what the three of them were doing now. There were still on the station, probably, since it had only been an hour and a half since they had caught Harry. Well, almost two hours. But he was pretty sure they weren’t far yet. Louis would probably feel guilty. Harry knew that his boy was that kind of a person: he would think it was his fault that Harry had been taken while he could escape, and he would feel horrible about it. And Zayn and Liam? They would be so disappointed that he didn’t make it, and they would comfort Louis to a degree, but Harry also knew that they had to be happy out of their minds because they made it, they made it, they were free, and it didn’t matter to them that he wasn’t there because while they had been friends, they had the most important person in their lives with them and that was enough.

He didn’t blame them. To him, it would’ve been enough as well if only Louis and he could’ve had escaped.

Slowly, the landscape outside shifted and changed into something a lot more familiar to Harry. Suddenly, he knew the names of the cities on the street signs, and he knew those streets they were driving on, and the houses they were passing, and then, then they were home. Well, this house wasn’t home to him. It was where he had to live, but it was not home to him anymore. Home was where Louis was.

His father was waiting for him already. Other people’s parents would welcome their children home warmly when they were coming back after being away for a week, but Robin was only looking at Harry with icy eyes.

“Get inside” he ordered, sharp and short as ever.

Harry bowed his head and slipped past him through the door. The house smelled like it used to be, but it was different altogether. This used to be the place he wanted to be worth of. He could remember that when he had left, he had wanted to make his parents proud, and he would’ve done everything for that – hell, he went to that stupid camp just to make them happy.

But that was different now. Now he didn’t want to be worth the place here. He just wanted to escape, this wasn’t more than another trap for him, another cage they would have him inside until they couldn’t stand him anymore. He hated it already, hated it with a fiery passion that could only come from a very desperate person.

“Living room” His step-father grunted at him, and Harry just put the suitcase in front of his room before following them reluctantly. He hated it, but he wouldn’t fight. He couldn’t fight. There was just nothing left.

His parents were both there, just like they had been when he had left for the camp in the first place. It was a foreign sight to see them both into the same room in the same time. He sat down in front of them, not looking at them, their cold, disappointed eyes. He folded his hands in his lap, put his feet parallel to each other on the floor. He sat just like they always taught him to. It was routine by now.

His father shouted at him, and he didn’t even try to restrain himself. His face was red with anger, and he was starting to sweat while spitting at Harry while he was speaking. He said Harry was a disappointment, a shame of a son. He shouted and shouted and called him names and grounded him for the next three hundred years and Harry just sat there, curls hanging into his face, blood rushing in his ears. He didn’t want to hear it. He just wanted to get away. He didn’t even care.

When his father was through, his mother started. She was calmer about it, but the icy calm of his mum almost hurt more than his father’s shouting – it had always been like that. He just wished he wouldn’t be alone in this. He just wished he had someone to talk to all of this. He just wished he had someone to love him here, not just these people who were too stubborn and self-deprived to actually accept him the way he was.

When they were both through with him, he got up, without another word, without another glance, and went to his room. It was just as cold, just as empty, just as un-lived-in as he had remembered it to be. He closed the door behind him softly, turned the key and locked the door. Only then, when he was back here, when everything went down, his knees gave in underneath his weight and he crumbled to the floor in a silently sobbing, broken mess.


	15. Chapter 15

In the first weeks, Harry waited impatiently. Louis’ clothes still smelled like him, the memories of them together were still fresh in his mind, displaying again and again. He could still remember Louis’ words clearly, the broken look in his eyes. _“I’ll find you. No matter what.”_ Harry heard it. And he believed. He believed that Louis would come, he would save him, they could escape and he could be happy.

Being back home was hell. Everybody stared at him in school, and not even his so called best mates from school wanted to talk to him. He was the weird gay kid who’d been in therapy. And in the first, he wasn’t sure, month or so, he didn’t care about them. He didn’t care about the rumours and the whispering, the looks and the loneliness. Because out there, out there they were people who loved him how he was, and they would come and get him and they would be like the family to him he’d never had.

Then, after like, two months, when Christmas was nearing, the doubts slowly started growing in his stomach. There had been so much time, but he hadn’t heard of one of them. They must’ve had enough time to figure out where exactly he was living, how they could reach him. It shouldn’t be too hard if they had really tried.

So what if they didn’t? What if they didn’t look for Harry? What if they didn’t try to find him. Harry didn’t want to listen to that. He wanted to think that Louis was out there waiting for him, waiting for the right moment to come. He wanted to think that Louis missed him just as much as he missed him.

Because god, Harry missed Louis. He hadn’t known you could rely so much on someone. He had only had one week with that boy, and yet he had fallen in love quickly and deeply. So yes, Harry missed him. It was a weight in his chest, spreading cold through his body and squeezing his ribs, making it hard to breathe. He missed that stupid smile and that gorgeous hair and those deep blue eyes and he missed the feel of his flesh under his fingers and his fingers on his flesh and he just missed everything about him.

He missed the others, too. Of course he did. But it was worst with Louis. Because Louis had promised, and now he wasn’t keeping his word.

Winter break came and went and when school started again on January, people had forgotten what had happened to Harry. They went on with their normal lives. The whispering, rumours and the gazes stopped, but the other students still weren’t talking to him. Not that Harry cared too much: he was lonely, and he liked to grieve alone.

By that time, he doubted that Louis would ever be coming to get him. It was almost his birthday, and he hadn’t heard a peep from his – what were they, now? They had been close like best friends, even more than that, but they had never labelled anything. And now, now it was most likely too late. Louis was gone. He wouldn’t be coming back.

Harry’s heart was shred to pieces the night where he realized that that was probably the only solution. He was alone, and he didn’t have to hope anymore. Neither Louis nor Liam nor Zayn nor Niall nor Ed would be coming for him, would be saving him from the hell of his home. He was alone.

That changed a lot. Harry gave up fighting. His parents had slowly loosened his borders again – he still had to come home straight after school, but sometimes he could go out for a walk or something; not that he did that too often since it was one of those dull, dark, breezy cold winters with icy streets and thick white snow where you never wore enough closing to keep the cold at bay. But sometimes he would, and then he would imagine what it would be like to leave, to just take the next bus to nowhere and never come back.

But then he realized that there was nothing and nobody where he could go to, and he stopped it because it hurt too much to keep it up.

Harry’s parents weren’t there on his birthday in February. His father was on a business trip somewhere in Asia, and his mum had a day full of meetings where she had to leave early and come back late – just the usual. It was a Saturday, so Harry spent his day sleeping in and then just laying in bed watching crappy TV. He willed himself not to think about the plans he’d have for today only five months ago. He willed himself not to think about blue eyes or a messy fringe or that stupid smile. He willed himself to just not think at all, because otherwise he would probably have a mental breakdown.

It had been this way for a while now. He’d tried to forget. He didn’t think about any of them anymore, even though his dreams now were filled with them. He didn’t dare daydreaming anymore, because no matter which way out of his recent life he imagined, it would always end up there. He also didn’t dare thinking about the capital, because the capital was where all his dreams had focused on.

But he had nothing to dream about anymore. He had nobody and nobody wanted him and he had nowhere to go and nowhere to be and he had just nothing. He was insignificant to the rest of the world. It hurt because only a few months ago, he’d learned that he wasn’t. He had felt like it for so long and it had been ok, because he hadn’t known it any differently, but now that wasn’t just how it was anymore. Because now he knew what it felt like to be cherished, to be wanted around, and to feel confident and not just self-conscious. So now it was even worse than it had been before.

Harry was surprised when he heard the doorbell ring. It was probably just the postman bringing some packet from some far relative that hadn’t known about the disaster of the gay camp in September. He got up, wearing baggy jeans, a ratty old sweatshirt and thick warm woolsocks, his curls unmade and even messier than usual, but he didn’t feel up to moving. If it was for him, he could just stop existing altogether – nobody would miss him anyways.

Harry didn’t look up instantly when he opened the door. “Yeah, what can I do for –“ And then he did look up and all his words were suddenly trapped in his throat. He couldn’t believe his eyes. It felt like his world just stopped moving, but on the other hand it felt like it just started rotating again – he didn’t know what it was.

“Louis”

He still looked the same. Louis’ tiny frame was wrapped into a think woollen coat with soft furry neck, and he was wearing black jeans that probably looked warmer than they were, combined with thick winter boots. His fringe was sticking out from the grey beanie pulled over his head. And there was that tiny, shy smile that had been only for Harry before, and there were those blue eyes he hadn’t thought he would ever see again.

“Hi Haz” Louis said, his gloved hands dangling at his sides awkwardly.

So Louis hadn’t forgotten. Harry’s thoughts started racing. Louis hadn’t forgotten. He had just waited, waited for the right moment to come. And now he was here, and he was as gorgeous as ever and he was here to get Harry out of here and his dreams were coming true, after all. He hadn’t hoped for nothing. He’d hoped for everything.

He didn’t know what it was, but he leapt forward and wrapped his arms around Louis’ shoulders tightly, burying his head in Louis’ neck where he could reach some flushed, warm flesh. He still smelled the same, too. Like vanilla and Louis and winter and just so fucking perfect that all of a sudden, Harry had to fight the tears.

The boys clung to each other tightly, and Harry hadn’t thought he would ever feel that again. But he was, he had Louis right here in his arms and he wouldn’t be letting him leave ever again.

“I’m so sorry” Louis mumbled against Harry’s shoulder. “I had to wait until now so we wouldn’t risk anything, I had to make sure everything was ok. But I didn’t want to, Harry, believe me, I wanted to come and get you the very first day, I’m so sorry and I m-“

The boy’s anxious rambling was interrupted suddenly by a pair of warm, chapped lips covering his own. Harry didn’t know what made him do it, he didn’t know what he was doing at all, but he just couldn’t let Louis talk more shit like that and he couldn’t think anything else in that moment except that they hadn’t kissed before, and that he had fantasized about this too long for it not too happen.

“It’s ok” Harry said softly, resting his forehead against Louis’, bumping their noses together. “I missed you, too. You’re here now, it’s enough.”

Louis let him finish before he dipped his head up and kissed him again, slowly and carefully, but with more emotions than Harry could’ve ever imagined. His eyes slipped closed easily and his hands came up to frame Louis’ face. Kissing him was just as good as he had always imagined.

“Don’t leave ever again.” Louis whispered.

“I won’t”

Harry let Louis in and offered him some tea to drink while he hurried to stuff all his stuff into his suitcases. He packed just what he needed most: books, clothes, his CDs, his laptop, some toiletries. While he was doing so, Louis was watching him, fingers wrapped around the cuppa, eyes following Harry through the room, a warm flush on his beautiful face.

Harry couldn’t believe it was true. He couldn’t believe that it was real, that it had been nonsense to give up hoping. He was amazed by the things he was feeling when thinking that. The hope was back, the hope he’d felt back then in the hospital, and it was stronger than ever. This time, he would get away. His mum would be away all night, his father as well, nobody could stop him this time.

Plus, they actually had a car this time.

They took off not even an hour after Louis had arrived. The older boy was driving a cute little Cooper Mini in dark navy blue and Harry couldn’t contain his smile when Louis, after they were a few blocks away, took his hand and entwined their fingers. They were chatting easily all the way from Holmes Chapel down to London, and Harry felt warm and comfortable with himself for the first time in months.

Louis told him about life in London: he’d started working in a kindergarten a while ago, and he loved his job. He was living with Liam and Zayn, and Ed and Niall as well as some bloke from Niall’s university called Josh were living just across the hall. They hung out a lot, and they helped each other out a lot as well. They were all happy. Ed and Niall actually weren’t together, but they were close friends. Louis suggested something was going on between Niall and Josh, but he wasn’t sure. And Liam and Zayn were just as in love as ever, Harry would be so proud of them.

Harry actually didn’t talk that much about what life had been like in the past months. That was history now, anyways, and it was none of their concern anymore. He hadn’t left a note for his parents except his mobile phone in the middle of the kitchen table – he wouldn’t be coming back and they wouldn’t ever be able to find him. They were smart, they would understand it.

Eventually, they fell into silence, and the soft notes of One Republic were flowing out of the speakers of the car’s radio. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence, but something warm and fuzzy that made Harry rest his head against the cool window and slowly drift off.

“Lou?” he murmured, right before he was about to fall asleep.

“Yes, Haz?” Louis answered softly.

“I think I’m in love with you”

“I know. I love you too.”


End file.
